An Imagined Conversation with the Comment Spammers on This Blog

Me: Oh, hi there. Strange running into you here. So, it seems like you really like The Evil Beet.

Spammer: Very interesting. Great resource. Thanks you much. Rape porn! Christian debt relief! Gourmet food baskets!

Me: Gosh, thanks. That means a lot. See, sometimes I feel like the information we provide here is a little bit shallow, you know? Like we’re more an aggregator than a genuine content generator. But you genuinely like it?

Spammer: Great site! Hope it will always be alive! I will tell all my friends about your site. Incest porn! Floor tiles! Bankruptcy attorneys!

Me: Okay, but I get concerned about the blog format. Maybe we should have it organized in a more traditional format, so visitors can easily find the information they’re looking for. I used to have a set of categories along the right-hand column, but the PHP script I was running seemed to use a lot of CPU resources and would occasionally lead to down time, so I took it off.

Spammer: Great site! Easy to navigate. I will return with soon. Replica Rolex watches! Bubble butts! Bed Bath and Beyond! Cheetos.

Me: That’s so reassuring. Because I’m basically like this girl who dropped out of high school and had a teensy weensy substance abuse problem for like ten years but in the midst of all of it I figured out how to use a computer and then I set this thing up so I could talk shit about celebrities and the whole world could hear all the funny thoughts I think that I used to wish the whole world could hear, but I look at all those sites out there being run by web development experts, and I get concerned that this thing just looks like a grossly amateurish effort.

Spammer: The site’s very professional! Great design! Keep up the good work! Hair loss solution! Free spyware! Father son porn. Russian horny woman.

Me: So do you feel as though I’ve effectively differentiated this blog? There’s so much competition in this space, and we’re all essentially reporting the same news, and lots of the other writers are smart and funny and knowledgeable, too.

Spammer: Good site – you’re a pretty good writer. I have been looking for sites like this for a long time. Thank you! Sexy boobs. Black boobs. Baby got boobs. Naked boobs. Teen boobs. Duran Duran.

Me: What would you say is your favorite part of The Evil Beet?

Spammer: Cool guestbook… Hairy teen. Pink teen. Hot teen ass. Naturalist teen.

Me: Naturalist teen?

Spammer: Yeah.

Me: Really?

Spammer: Yeah.

Me: God.

Spammer: I know.

[Jump in for the rest!]

Me: And you know this isn’t even a guestbook? I mean, we’re not The fucking Knot.com. This is the comment space on a celebrity gossip blog.

Spammer: Yes! Great site! Respect! Galleries of teen thongs. Teen twins. Hot teen pussy. Little teen models. Baby diaper bags.

Me: How can you start your “guestbook entry” with “Repect!” and then move immediately into promoting websites that encourage people to masturbate to images of underage girls? Who exactly is on the receiving end of this so-called respect?

Spammer: Blow job milf? Blow job shemale. Blow job granny. Blow job teacher. Blow job sandwich.

Me: Okay, I’ll bite. No pun intended. What’s in a blow job sandwich?

Spammer: James Blunt. Nelly Furtado. Yanni. Scott’s Lawn Care Products.

Me: Seriously?

Spammer: Yeah.

Me: Jesus, that’s kinky.

Spammer: Child rape porn. Mother daughter incest violent rape porn. Led Zeppelin ringtones.

Me: Touche. I guess I hadn’t figured the Led Zeppelin ringtone demographic overlapped much with the mother daughter incest violent rape porn demo, but sometimes these things aren’t intuitive. That’s why we have market research, right?

Spammer: Yes! Great site! Please also visit my homepage. Gwen Stefani concert tickets! Rolex replica watch! Rihanna download. Hardcore teen lesbian porn.

Me: Look, your flattery means a lot, but I think I’m going to pass on the offer to visit your site.

Spammer: Seriously? Why?

Me: Look, I just don’t feel like you’re being very sincere. I feel like you’re using a website and a PageRank that I’ve worked really hard for in order to help yourself or your client profit from a very, very dark side of humanity that I find disgusting. Promoting underage porn is a crime, and it’s not a victimless one. You’re actively creating a market that leads to a lifetime of unimaginable emotional and physical trauma for the children who are forced or pressured into participating.

Spammer: Jesus, I didn’t realize I came across that way. I’d never thought of it in those terms. I just really liked those sites a lot, and I thought maybe you’d like them, too. Just trying to brighten your day! I’m hurt that you felt I was being facetious. I’ve been reading this blog every day for the past six months. I think you’re a riot, and I genuinely appreciate the time and effort you put into making a celebrity gossip website with quality writing. It’s a welcome atoll amidst an ocean of sites in this niche that are primarily about nip-slip photos and whose writers can’t come up with a more creative insult than “slut” or “ho.”

Me: Woah, are you serious?

Spammer: Absolutely. You have a lot to be proud of here, young lady. You should take more pride in your work. You deserve it.

Me: Gee, thanks.

Spammer: Seriously, no sweat. You’re doing a bang-up job.

Me: Thanks.

Spammer: Any time. Look, I gotta run. I have to go comment on 1500 more of my favorite sites before the day’s over. But can I just say one more thing before we’re done here?

Me: Sure, go for it.

Spammer: Propecia. Celexa. Xanax. Hairy lesbian teen porn.

Me: It was nice meeting you, too.

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This entry was posted on Saturday, June 30th, 2007 at 11:54 pm and is filed under MGMT. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.