Since the show decided to be total pussies last week and put the American public’s thirst for blood behind African children’s thirst for, well, water, we still have six contestants to deal with this week. Luckily, two of them are going home tomorrow.

According to Ryan, donations from last week raised “almost 70 million dollars.” Because, you know, more of you voted for American Idol contestants than voted in the last presidential election. But that’s cool. Why concern yourselves with the fate of our nation when the fate of Jordin Sparks is in your hands?

Tonight is Bon Jovi night. Remember Bon Jovi, Jordin? No, no you don’t. Remember when Slippery When Wet was released? No, you don’t, because you weren’t going to be born for over three more years. In other news, I have officially started menopause.

Bon Jovi thinks they should “make the songs your own.” Thank God someone finally told them that. It’s really the key piece of advice they’ve been missing.

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Lindsay Lohan is just so damn sober she’s taken her shirt off and is dancing on tables with Paris Hilton at 4:30 in the morning to celebrate! Yay sobriety! [The Bosh]

Debra Messing fought for Grace to have tiny titties. [A Socialite's Life]

A very sober Bruce Willis drops the f-bomb on live TV. [Ninja Dude]

Hooray for summer! The celeb bikini pics are back in full swing. Up now: Taryn Manning gets wet. [Drunken Stepfather]

What are your top five break-up songs? [Pajiba]

Naomi Campbell’s all like, “Yeah, so it turns out I’m an alcoholic.” [The Blemish]

Kate Moss stands in a store window to promote her new clothing line. [Agent Bedhead]

Turns out Selma Blair is sober, too .. who knew? [Cele|bitchy]

Hayden Panettiere and Laguna Beach’s Stephen Colletti are still going strong, much to my chagrin. [ICYDK]

R. Kelly wins the award for first musician to capitalize on the Virginia Tech tragedy. [Celebrity Smack]

Keira Knightley wishes she were ridiculously fat. Memo to Keira: sarcasm doesn’t translate so well in print. Trust me. [Warship]

TRUMP STEAKS. [INO]

We love hot bitches here at the Beet. Here is the newest canine celebrity Tiny Dancer. He is 11 months old, 18-ounches and 4-inches tall which makes him quite little. When he is 1 year-old he will claim the title of the Smallest Dog Alive.

His owner carries him around wraps up in a blanket or usually puts him in a baby stroller. How cute is that? I’m sure Paris Hilton is calling this woman up offering her a car or something for this little dog. It is the true purse puppy.

[source]

Dannielynn Hope Marshall Birkhead arrived in the United States this morning, with her father, Larry Birkhead, who recently had the baby’s last name legally changed. (Interestingly, he didn’t remove the “Marshall” part of the name — a reference to Anna Nicole’s late billionaire husband, J. Howard Marshall — perhaps to give the little girl a leg up in obtaining some of the Marshall fortune).

After a brief stop in Florida this morning, Dannielynn and Larry continued to Louisville, Larry’s hometown. Larry was reportedly teary-eyed as they said goodbye to the Bahamas, Anna’s final resting place. Dannielynn — can we come up with a nickname for this kid soon? That name is really a hassle to type — was in great spirits and warranted smiles from the customs agents.

Just wanted to send a quick shout-out to the fabulous Evil T for sending me the world’s greatest birthday present. It just arrived in the mail today. Now, now, Mom, I loved the earrings you sent, but absolutely nothing is as cool as what T got me. Thank you, Miss Evil T, I love you so very much and am so very grateful to have friends like you in my life.

She may have the body of an angel, but model Gisele Bunchen is nobody’s sweetheart when it comes to salary negotiations. Gisele will no longer be the “lead angel” for Victoria’s Secret, reports Page Six, because they failed to increase her $5 million per year salary. Her sister confirmed to a Brazilian website that talks had broken off.

“Her demands were outrageous. She got a new lawyer who was unrealistic,” said an inside source. “Victoria’s Secret doesn’t care. They have five new hotter, younger girls debuting next year. And they won’t have to deal with any craziness.”

Hey, at least Victoria’s Secret didn’t knock Gisele up before they dumped her. Bundchen, who was linked for several years with Leonardo DiCaprio, is now dating football star Tom Brady, who left pregnant girlfriend Bridget Moynahan to get into the ex-angel’s panties.

I am a little obsessed with Kate Bosworth. I got very upset last year when she got shockingly thin because she is a lovely girl. Of the young actress set she is very talented and it seems that after her upsetting breakup with Orlando Bloom she fianlly looks happy in a picture! She still is thin in this pic but finally looks healthy.