Apparently Paris could have done several things to avoid jail time, and yet she did none of them:

1) Paris was supposed to take a 12-hour alcohol education course as a result of her DUI (this was part of her January sentence). She hadn’t even registered for the course as of the end of April.

2) Paris could have opted to do 40 hours of community service in exchange for having a year of her probation dropped. Paris opted against doing the community service.

I know, I know, Paris, it would have been really embarrassing to go to an alcohol education course or to do community service. Think of the field day the media would have had! Much much better to go to jail.

Apparently Kathy Hilton was a wreck at the proceedings, screaming at the prosecutor “I want your autograph!” (that doesn’t even make sense) and claiming that this was a waste of taxpayer money.

If Paris fails to show up for her June 5 jail date, she will have to do 90 days instead.

Video of Paris leaving the courthouse is here.

OH HAPPY DAY!!! HAPPY, HAPPY DAY!!! PARIS HILTON IS GOING TO JAIL FOR 45 DAYS!!! Yes, yes, you read that right. A judge today sentenced Paris Hilton to 45 days in jail for violating her probation by driving on a suspended license. She will begin serving her time on June 5. See, Lindsay Lohan? Your Higher Power has your back!

Paris Hilton is always fashionably late. She arrived at the L.A. courthouse eighteen minutes late (pics here, video here). The hearing was held to decide whether Paris should have to serve jail time for driving on a suspended license in February, when she was on probation after her DUI in September of last year.

Paris took the stand and promptly blamed her rep, Elliot Mintz, who she claimed misled her into believing her license was valid. Honestly, Paris, I knew your license wasn’t valid. On what planet is that a viable excuse? Honestly. I mean, I know that I always have problems with my P.R. rep misleading me about my legal issues, so I’ve learned to check everything he says with my personal chef first. See? There are perfectly viable ways to compensate for the fact that your P.R. rep isn’t doing a sufficient job of taking on all of your personal responsibility.

Apparently the judge wasn’t buying what Paris was selling. Crying, she told him “I’m sorry, I’m sorry” before he delivered his sentence, but to no avail. Both Paris’s parents, Rick and Kathy Hilton, were in the courtroom as the verdict was handed down, and were both said to be visibly upset.

Paris will not be allowed work release, furloughs, use of an alternative jail or electronic monitoring in lieu of jail. This sentence is just the latest to demonstrate the U.S. court system’s willingness to put rich, famous, beautiful people behind bars, as a Florida judge sent Girls Gone Wild porntrepreneur and Hilton buddy Joe Francis to the slammer last month.

We’ll have the rest of the details as they come …

Update: City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo had his rep release the following statement regarding today’s verdict: “City Attorney Delgadillo believes today’s ruling sends a clear message that in the City of Los Angeles, no one is above the law.” Hmph. Somebody’s running for mayor soon …

An excerpt from Rex Reed’s review in The Observer:

Over-produced, over-publicized, over-designed, over-computerized and just plain over the moon, it’s so preposterously overwrought with so many bewildering plots juggling simultaneously for over-emphasis, there’s no entry point for criticism. You just stare at it, as you might a great big exploding pile of cow manure …

The sets are cheesy. The actors are unconscious. The writing is barely legible. The digital effects are overwhelming, without a shred of freshness or originality. None of it makes sense. In summation, Spider-Man 3 consists of one swollen contrivance after another until they all fester and erupt in an incomprehensible blast of noise and gibberish.

In response to this video of him drunkenly eating a cheeseburger, David Hasselhoff has issued the following statement, essentially accusing his ex-wife of leaking the video and hoping that six paragraphs of calling her an alcoholic while claiming to take the high road will help us all forget about how he was basically too drunk to eat a cheeseburger on the floor of his hotel room while his daughter filmed him and begged him to stop drinking.

An excerpt:

“While I acknowledge that I am a recovering alcoholic who must deal with my own issue on a daily basis, my ex-wife has refused to deal with her own issues, which include having tested positive for alcohol and illegal substances in response to court ordered testing. Although she has publicly denied having tested positive, proof of her drug use is part of the Court record.

I truly hope that my ex-wife will get the help that she so desperately needs for her own sake and for the sake of our children, and that in the future she will refrain from perpetuating falsehoods and selfishly compromising the well-being of our children so that they can move forward with their lives, with their privacy respected. I look forward to the day that our marital litigation is behind me, so that our children and I can move forward with our lives in peace.”

Yeah. What part of “recovering alcoholic” involves getting wasted in front of your daughter and then blaming your wife? Which step is that, Hoff? Just curious.

Full statement reprinted after the jump.

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Cute headband. For jail.

More pics after the jump.

Update: TMZ just put up video of her arrival. Mom Kathy was with her, and, as soon as she entered the courtroom, the first thing she did was — I am not joking — touch up her make-up. That’s our girl!

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ABC killed once again, maintaining its Grey’s viewership even with the two-hour, you-can-tell-which-city-we’re-in-because-of-the-color-palette, Addison-Montgomery-may-not-be-able-to-have-a-baby-but-that- bitch-can’t-go-five-minutes-without-another-gorgeous-doctor-
making-out-with-her-and-I-still-don’t-have-a-boyfriend-so-fuck -that-shit, Taye-Diggs-is-still-hot, everyone-in-LA-surfs-and-drinks-martinis, spinoff-introducing juggernaut. So it turns out you guys really do have all the attention span Chandra Rimes was betting on you having. Way to go, America.

What did everyone think of Grey’s last night? It was interesting, I thought, to watch actors essentially filming a pilot juxtaposed against actors who’ve been working together on a hit series for year. Pilots are always awkward, I guess, but switching back and forth made the awkwardness all the more obvious. I do love the Addison Mongomery character, even when I’m insanely jealous of her, and I love that they’ve given her such increasing depth since the day she showed up as McDreamy’s evil wife. I almost like her more than Meredith these days.

Seventeen minutes late and counting.

Jail jail jail jail jail!!!

JAIL!!!!

Update: She has arrived. Let the games begin.