Am I the only one that notices Ashton has a HUGE package?

Some really interesting pictures coming out of the WhiteTrash Charms Playboy Jewelry Launch Party at Hyde last night. Kelly Osborne hosted the event, and basically looked like a drag queen doing her very best Kelly Osbourne. Those extensions look ridiculous on her. Also, she was making out with Kim Stewart on the dance floor.

Hef and Holly were there, and Hef couldn’t keep his hands off Holly’s belly. He never touches her like that. She also looks like she’s put on a couple pounds — could Holly finally be pregnant with Hef’s fat paycheck little baby?

Also, for some strange reason, Blake Lewis was there. And it doesn’t look like he changed after AmIdol wrapped their taping. Isn’t this the outfit he was wearing on the show last night?

Oh, and Melissa Rivers was there, looking man-ish as ever, as well as newly minuted PMOY Sara Jean Underwood, looking adorable for someone who, as our commentors noticed, doesn’t have a vagina.

Playing tonsil hockey at a London restaurant. Justin’s there for his tour, and apparently flew Jessica out to be with him. And his tongue.

Looks like the Bieler won this round of the Battle for Justin Timberlake. Scarlett Johansson’s doing just fine, though, tramping around L.A. with Alanis’s former fiance, Ryan Reynolds.

Ellen Pompeo looks…dare I say it…stunning at ABC upfronts. I think she might have gained some weight which makes her look much better. I never thought I would say it but she is quite pretty!

My suggestion to Jess Biel? Marry a writer (like me) because at this rate your career as an actress is doomed. You’re a beautiful girl Jess, but the news today is bad to the bone.

A week after this Jessica Biel has taken a part as a stripper. Best of all the stripper role has a heart of gold!!

“Blue” follows a suicidal ex-priest (Whitaker), a stripper (Biel) with a terminally ill son, an elderly ex-con seeking to reunite with his daughter and a lovelorn mortician whose lives intersect in Los Angeles on Christmas Eve. Timothy Linh Bui wrote and directs the film, which begins shooting on location in July.

Well at least it’s with an established writer/director. You might know him from this or this. Oh no wait, you don’t. No one does. He’s got as many successful credits as me. I’m sure he won’t be at all tempted to exploit Jessica’s nudity to publicize his project. Small time directors never do that because it would be unethical.

Look, I realize stripper parts are out there. And someone has to play them. But ladies, if people already know your name don’t do this. Those parts should go to girls trying to make a splash, unknowns who desperately need to be known. Portman got away with it in Closer because it was about two minutes of the story and she’s already Natalie Portman. But Jessica won’t. You will never get real roles if you continue taking crap ones Jess. Just a word to the wise.

And hey, Jessica Biel’s agent: you suck.

We’ve got nine songs tonight, kids. The judges pick one, the producers pick one, and the contestants pick one. We’ve only got an hour, so we’re wasting no time on filler.

Jordin’s kicking us off. The Mayor of her hometown, Glendale, Arizona (WOOO HOOO AZ!!!!) reads Simon’s song choice for her. Simon’s selected “Wishing on a Star” for Jordin. Upon hearing the news, Jordin reacts with the kind of glee that just screams “I have never heard of this song in my life.” On stage, she’s wearing a cute little baby-doll dress, but they’ve got her hair back in those little pube-curls, and she doesn’t look as good as she has the past few weeks. She seems really nervous, and her voice starts out a little shaky. She’s making her little Jordin faces, which is adorable. It’s nothing spectacular, but it’s a good performance. I have no idea what is on Randy’s shirt. I believe it’s some sort of seashell pattern, with starfish and whatnot, but every now and then there’s an occasional vagina. I think these are intended to be clams or oysters, but, from this angle, it’s just like starfish, starfish, labia. He thought the vocals were strong. Paula liked it. Simon didn’t like the arrangement of the song he chose, which isn’t Jordin’s fault, but he thought it wasn’t one of her better performances. Talking to Ryan, Jordin admits that she had, in fact, never heard of the song before. I’m so good. Ryan says, “When we come back, we’ll hear the judge’s picks for Blake and for Smelinda.” That’s not a typo. He actually says “Smelinda.” I played it back three times to make sure.

Blake’s in Bothell, Washington. I’m pretty sure the Mayor of Bothell went to high school with Blake. They look about the same age. Paula chose his song: “Roxanne,” by The Police. It’s a great pick for Blake. He’s wearing denim pants, a blue collared shirt and a retarded vest. And he’s still got the tat on his wrist. I think it’s real. Boooo. He’s off-key for a bit in there. He’s doing some dancing, but no beat-boxing. I’m sure this was a hectic week for them, what with the trips back home and the three songs. The unfortunate result is that none of the performances tonight are likely to be stellar. Blake finishes by accidentally dumping the mic out onto the stage. It bounces around and the audio catches each bump before the sound guys turn it off. Ah, live TV. Randy gives him an A. Paula thought it was fantastic. Simon thought it was good but not great.

(more…)

“I regret that she didn’t live past 1963 and see that I did get some really good white folks … working for me.”

Oprah Winfrey, at Howard University’s commencement ceremony, on her grandmother’s hope that she would find “some good white folks” to work for.

Now that she won’t be Queen of England, we can bring on the Kate Middleton up-skirt photos with impunity. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Hilary Duff’s new track, “Stranger.” [popbytes]

Is Cameron Diaz dating Criss Angel? Ooh, maybe he’ll make Justin Timberlake disappear. I’d be okay with that. [Cele|bitchy]

Um, Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo are totally having sex in the pool at Atlantis. [Celebslam]

There’s pretty much going to be a new Jessica-Alba-in-a-bikini link every day until summer’s over. [The Blemish]

Lily Allen is feeling much better about her weight now, thank you very much. [Buzznet]

Paris Hilton’s dad is in the hospital, so she hired a bunch of second-graders to glue sequins and pictures of her to a posterboard to cheer him up. Wait, what’s that? She made that herself? Wow. Someone should definitely sign her up for some of those prison art classes. [IBBB]

Just when you thought the pics of Brad and his kids couldn’t get any cuter … [Daily Stab]

Sly Stallone pleads guilty to bringing illegal steroids into Australia. [Holy Candy]

Kim Kardashian is totally letting Reggie Bush pee on her. [Derek Hail]

Petra Nemcova is humping Hilton ex Stavros Niarchos. And I’d be all like “Ew,” but, honestly, people, that’s still way better than James Blunt. [MollyGood]

The whole cast of Saturday Night Live showed up at the Shrek 3 NYC premiere. So, really, who needs Cameron Diaz? [Pop Sugar]