That sonofabitch smuggled drugs into prison. GENIUS. And he got caught because he tried to bribe a guard for a bottle of water. EVEN BETTER! Jail is scary, isn’t it, Joe?

Francis allegedly tried to bribe a correctional officer with $100 last night for a bottle of water. This sparked an internal search of his jail cell which reportedly turned up $700 in cash, all in $100 bills, some pills thought to be controlled substances. Its not yet known how he obtained the cash and drugs in the jail. He has not been formally charged at this point, but the investigation is continuing.

I wonder how he smuggled all that stuff into jail in the first place. I hope he put it up his butt, or ate it before he went to jail and had to retrieve it from his own feces. I truly hope that’s what happened. And then the guard was all like, “I don’t want your poop money, dude. Get it away from me,” and the rest is history.

I’m not sure whether this is related, but Francis has waived his right to a detention hearing, so he’s staying in prison until April 23 at the earliest.

Every time I see a picture of this woman I want to remind her to wash her contact lenses properly. Like, sweetheart, you’re supposed to be able to open your eyes all the way. You should see an opthamologist about that.

At a Memorial Sloan-Kettering fundraiser in NYC today.

Sigh. I hate that I’m writing this story. I put it off for awhile, hoping this story would just flicker out and die, and yet it persists, and so I would be remiss in my duties if I didn’t bring it to you. Someone who was once on American Idol has a raunchy sex tape. Who, you ask? Kellie Pickler, maybe? Nikki McKibbin? Clay Aiken? Maybe even Jim Verraros? Ooh, or Jim Verraros with Clay Aiken?? No, no. It’s no one you’ve heard of, silly. It’s some chick named Olivia Mojica, but honestly her name might as well be Pornstar McBangy for all you care. You don’t remember her. She was somewhere in the Top 24 of season two and I have absolutely no idea how this became a story. It turns out that the American public likes sex tapes.

The tape’s being released by Vivid, the geniuses behind Kim Kardashian’s sex tape. They claim they got the tape from a third party, and it turns out that, if you carefully rearrange the letters in “third party,” they actually spell “Olivia Mojica.” It’s apparently quite raunchy, and TMZ has the stills if you’re into that sort of thing. As more of the footage gets leaked, I’ll of course be linking you to it in my daily link round-up, because I’m reliable like that. If I get to it a little late, it’s just because I’m too busy shopping my sex tape, Feel the Beet. The website should go live early next week. Someone tell TMZ.

Hey, it’s how they finally got Al Capone, so here’s hoping that the tax evasion charges Joe Francis was hit with on Wednesday keep him behind bars for awhile. The Girls Gone Wild “porntrepreneur” is already doing a quick stint in a Florida jail for criminal contempt of court, but these charges could keep him in the slammer for up to ten years.

The indictment was issued by a federal grand jury in Reno, Nevada, and accuses Francis of deducting more than $20 million in false buisness expenses on his 2002 and 2003 corporate income tax returns, stashing revenue in offshore bank accounts and doing a bunch of other stuff that you’re really not supposed to do on your taxes (which are due in THREE DAYS, people, so get to it!).

A hearing is scheduled for May 22 in Reno. If he’s convicted, Francis could do up to ten years in prison and be forced to pay fines of up to $500,000.

And, although it’s appropo of nothing in this context, I’m loathe to write an article about Joe Francis without reminding everyone that he’s a dirty awful rapist who I truly hope gets a taste of his own medicine in the slammer.

What are the chances Haley poses for Playboy within the next year? I say one billion percent. And honestly, given the choice between 500k for some nudey shots and then fading into obscurity or just fading into obscurity (without any K at all) I’d take the loot.

Basically, I’m not mad at you Haley. Do your thing. Peel the short shorts.

I didn’t really think that I would be writing about Pete Doherty twice in one day but the Daily Mail is reporting today that Kate Moss and Pete Doherty are offically engaged.

Performing a solo gig at the Hackney Empire in east London, he introduced the track “KP Nuts”, and said: “I am dedicating this song…” before the crowds interrupted him to shout out “Kate, Kate”. The singer then replied: “Yes, to my beautiful fiancee.”

This happened at the same Hackney Empire show that we showed pictures of this morning. It passed without incident to the chagrin of some fans who were hoping for drug induced drama. Instead it was all about Kate and Pete’s love.

You know when you see a friend who is making a huge mistake…ya, it is that like that.

From Page Six:

HARRY Morton just can’t seem to get rid of Lindsay Lohan. The billion-heir lives one floor below his flame-haired ex in L.A.’s posh Sierra Towers, “which is awkward enough,” a spy said. But it only got worse last month when Lohan’s pipes burst and flooded his place. “There were plumbing issues and it leaked all over Harry’s multimillion-dollar apartment,” our sources added. A rep for Lohan said, “This happened while Lindsay was in New York and we find the timing odd, but the situation is being dealt with.”

Hey. I’m just saying what everyone else is thinking.

Also, it has just occurred to me that the Tower of Badass that is Joel Madden can’t be much taller than, say, 5′3. His bio says he’s 5′9″, but there’s just no way that’s true. Nicole is barely 5′2″. She’s wearing flats in these pictures, and he’s hardly taller than she is. So, like, Joel Madden, hardcore rocker/heart-breaker, comes up to my shoulder. Awesome.