Paris Hilton, who has offically earned her nickname “celebutard,” is facing up to 3 months in prison after driving on a suspended license. Paris wasn’t supposed to be driving after being convicted of alcohol-related reckless driving and given 36 months probation. Of course not only did she drive, but she also decided to drive her brand-new Bentley Continental GTC without her headlights on.

The Los Angeles City Attorney’s Office is all over this. I think that they should make an example out of Miss Hilton. Drinking and driving isn’t cool, and when a normal person violates their probation they get thrown in the slammer.

“Once our office is able to verify that Miss Hilton was driving, we will request that the court revoke her probation and set a probation violation hearing,” said Nick Velasquez, spokesman for the city Attorney’s Office.

If Paris Hilton went to jail somehow order would be restored in the universe. Britney’s hair would grow back, Whitney Houston would put out a rocking new album, Lindsay Lohan’s hair would turn red again and “Mean Girls: The Bitches Strike Back” would become a reality.

Come on Paris, Martha Stewart did it. Jail. So hot right now.
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Almost every headline associated with the Anna Nicole Smith hostage situation (I’m sick of saying “saga” and “ordeal”) reaches new heights of silliness. These guys hit the silliness clouds and then they hit the afterburners.

Here’s the latest headline: “Smith to have ‘over the top’ memorial”

Over the Top was a really good movie in 1987 where Sly Stallone has to win an arm wrestling competition to get his son back (I think) but it is not a great tone to set for a funeral in my humble opinion. Perhaps dignified? Or somber maybe? How about “celebrating the life of Anna Nicole?” No, you’re right, let’s send in the clowns. Can we have the casket delivered on a flaming Harley? What about California governor Arnie involved somehow?

More fun with pull quotes:
The memorial service will feature large amounts of pink flowers, her favorite color, and singing from a well-known performer whose name organizers aren’t ready to disclose.

Her hellish momma said “Of course it will be over the top because it’s Anna Nicole.”

The singer better be Wayne Newton. I will accept nothing less. Tacky 4 life!

All of the factual fun comes from AP of Nassau, Bahamas. Good work guys.

Dancing with People Who Sort of Resemble Stars took a hit when Sopranos mobster Salvatore “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero quit the show.

He said:

“When I initially committed to joining Dancing With the Stars, I didn’t realize just how physically demanding it would be for me.”

Well, if you look at him he looks like he would be able to dance about as well as my left buttock, which is to say not very well (because I’m right buttocked).

Adios you giant lady bidness!

Full story here.