I spend a truly unforgivable amount of time watching television by myself in my living room. I get considerable enjoyment from most of these hours, but it’s very, very rare that I will actually laugh out loud, by myself, in my living room while watching television. Laughing, in that respect, is different from the consumption of alcohol and/or week-old pizza and the use of my vibrator. But I digress.

I totally laughed out loud tonight. Like eight times. I don’t know what it is about Sarah Silverman, but her comedy is truly original. It’s tricky to pin down what makes something funny, but I’ve heard again and again that humor is something both true and unexpected. Sarah’s a genius with this, particularly the latter part. I mean, at this point, we do expect to hear from her on the Holocaust, black people, gays and the government, but somehow her angle is totally fresh each time. There’s no way to explain it. You just have to watch.

If you missed The Sarah Silverman Program, catch it one of the 1800 times Comedy Central will rerun it this week. You won’t regret it.

Sour grapes much, ladies? Envy isn’t a good look on you.

As I recall, the last time we saw Michael Jackson’s children, he was dangling one of them over a balcony in Germany (Or England? Who cares?). But I guess some photogs got tired of trailing Paris Hilton around Beverly Hills and filling up her gas tank, so they decided to hoof it out to Vegas (where Britney Spears is rumored to be working on her new album) and stalk the Jackson kids. The Jackson clan is hanging out in Sin City as Michael bangs out the details on what is rumored to be a comeback show in Vegas. Michael has been notorious for guarding the faces and identities of his children (yeah, right, that’s why Michael Jackson’s notorious…), but he must have let his guard down, because they got some pretty stellar shots of the kids — Prince Michael I, Prince Michael II and Paris — with the nannies at Circus Circus.

Now, the official Jackson party line on the pedigree of these children is that Michael is the biological father, but I’m certain I’m not the only one who’s noticed that they don’t look in the least bit black. I’m no expert on this sort of thing, but, having spent a great deal of time in my life around both people who identify as “black” and people who identify as “white,” I’ve developed what I feel is a strong gut ability to determine whether someone is “black” or “not in any way by any stretch of the imagination even by a long shot maybe just a little bit black.” These kids fall firmly into the second category.

Black or white, though, they sure are freaking adorable. I bet they’re absolute nightmares in person.

Beverly Hills police yesterday released more details on Prison Break star Lane Garrison’s car wreck in December, which killed a 17-year-old boy. To the surprise of absolutely no one, Garrison’s blood alcohol content was at least .16%, and he’d also been doing lines of cocaine before he got behind the wheel. He’ll be charged with DUI, and likely with felony DUI. The police also recommended that Garrison be charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

I’ll tell ya, this guy is Brandy’s best friend right now. Nothing distracts from your totally sober, momentarily distracted, life-claiming wreck on the 405 like a coke-snortin’, Grey-Goose-shootin’, underage-girl-totin’ life-claiming wreck in Beverly Hills. She should write him a thank-you note when he’s in jail.

Alright, alright. The new guy over at MollyGood earned his stripes today with this headline on Isaiah Washington’s return from Gayhab. I don’t know who you used to be, Cord, but you’re one of us now. And, just for kicks, I tracked down the headline that made me fall in love with Molly in the first place.

I’ll start posting gossip at some point today, guys, I promise. Having trouble focusing. Not sure why. Well, maybe I have some idea.

In the meantime, rewatch the clips from the Sarah Silverman Program and GET FUCKING PUMPED!!!

If you’re wondering where Lindsay Lohan acquired her penchant for rambling, nonsensical epistolaries, look no further than her father’s most recent jailhouse opus. [Pop on the Pop]

Aw, Danny Tanner can still make his little girls smile. [Agent Bedhead]

Turns out Courtney Love can stay sober and plant absurd rumors about how she’s being considered as a judge for American Idol and categorically deny them, all at the same time! Yet, basic spelling continues to elude her. [Defamer]

Tara Conner’s no stranger to any type of blow. [ICYDK]

I hadn’t heard of Lily Allen until sometime last week, but this girl’s getting really famous really fast. [popbytes]

The gossip and sports blogospheres collide with the sound of Gisele Bundchen getting pummeled by Tom Brady. [The Big Lead]

Memo to Tyra Banks: We are done talking about the weight you’ve put on in the past couple of years. We did it for a day or two, got it out of our systems, and we’re ready to move on. We’d really appreciate it if you’d allow us to do that. Step away from the fat pictures, Tyra. Please. Love, The Blogosphere. [The Blemish]

Bill Gates can’t get away from Jon Stewart fast enough. [Cele|bitchy]