Once again we’re treated to Hollywood’s annual masturbatory awards ceremony — the Screen Actors Guild awards, where winners are chosen by the human beings on this planet who exhibit the greatest amount of taste and professional wisdom each and every year: actors.

In the winners circle, here are some of the highlights:

Helen Mirren won Best Actress in a TV Movie or miniseries for Elizabeth I and Best Female Actor for The Queen. Jennifer Hudson scored Best Supporting Actress.

America Ferrerra (Ugly Betty) won for Best Female Actress in a Comedy Series, and Alec Baldwin took home the well-deserved male equivalent for his role on 30 Rock. The Office won for Best Ensemble Cast in this category. Mindy Kaling’s nipple, as best I’ve heard, did not emerge from her dress this time.

Eddie Murphy took home Best Supporting Actor for Dreamgirls. Chandra Wilson finally got that Best Female Actress in a drama series for Grey’s Anatomy (Grey’s also took home Best Ensemble cast for drama, and no word yet on whether Isaiah called anyone a faggot in the process), and Hugh Laurie won for House.

Topping off the evening, Little Miss Sunshine took out enough ads in the Hollywood Reporter to earn themselves Best Cast of a Motion Picture.

FabSugar has the WireImage subscription for all the pics I refuse to pay for.

Rick Hilton, President

Gary Gold, Associate

Felix Pena, J.D., Associate

Jamie Levine, Associate

Marc Fiedler, Associate

I’d like to frame this as a staff meeting at Hilton & Hyland, Rick Hilton’s real estate company. (For those of you who are painfully out of the loop here, Rick Hilton is Paris’ father.) The major players are pictured above. Plain text will be used to indicate the spoken word, whereas italics will be employed to indicate concurrent, unspoken thought.

Hilton & Hyland Staff Meeting
January 26, 2007
Official Transcript

Rick Hilton: Thank you so much for attending the meeting today. As I’m sure you all know, sales are down 12% this month over last year. Can someone provide an explanation?

Gary Gold, Associate: The market’s down across the state, Mr. Hilton. While the entry-level homes have held their prices fairly well, the high-end investors are nervous to put their money in a market they see weakening. Also, I saw your daughter’s vagina today. For the 14th time in a year. I could draw your daughter’s pussy in my sleep, Mr. Hilton. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and sketch it from memory, then masturbate to it. I usually just pass out afterwards. My wife finds the pictures in the morning. It’s awkward, to say the least.

Felix Pena, J.D., Associate: Particularly in the area of commercial real estate, the notable growth has been in the Inland Empire, and we haven’t been focusing in that region in the way I recommended at the last staff. I wish they made lollipops in the shape of your daughter’s breasts. They make lollipops that look like titties, but I wish they looked just like your daughter’s. The ones on the lollipops are too big, sort of floppy-ish. Your daughter’s are perfect, just the right size. Like you can get your mouth around the whole damn thing. Nipples the shade of a fading sunset. My God that girl fucks like Mozart composed. Oh Jesus I’ve got an erection.

Rick Hilton: We are supposed to be one of the top real estate firms in the country, folks. You are the best of the profession. You have hundreds of years of experience in this industry put together. A weakening market is no excuse. What are we going to do moving forward to bring our numbers up?

Jamie Levine, Associate: Based on the data, I expect we’ll see a move away from public REITs and more into direct investment in niche properties, so let’s focus more energy there. People are moving their money from REITs into these properties. Sometimes I pray that your daughter will come over to my house and want to do a make-over with me. Like Cher did in Clueless? Remember? And she’ll bring all her clothes and her make-up and her hair dye and sit me down and make me beautiful, just like she is. And then you come in and you’re like “What’s going on here ladies?” And Paris is like “Isn’t Jamie beautiful, Daddy?” And you say that I am, and then you take off your shirt and Paris dumps a kilo of coke on your bare chest and we all take turns doing lines off it. Just like in the movie.

Felix Pena, J.D., Associate: We’re just seeing a correction in the market, Mr. Hilton. It’s not a bust and it’s not a boom. But prices simply aren’t where they were at this time last year. We’ve seen some correction in the overbuilding trend, and I expect the correction phase will be over in a year or two. Your daughter’s vagina is now my desktop background on my home computer.

Rick Hilton: So how can we incentivize our clients to buy? We need to deliver results here, people!

Marc Fiedler, Associate: We’ve offered free stays at Hilton hotels worldwide. Maybe we should throw in airfare? Cisco Adler’s balls are now my desktop background on my home computer. Thanks to your daughter. That shit is nuts! No pun intended.

Gary Gold, Associate: Yeah, or maybe your daughter would be willing to suck our clients’ cocks if they buy at list price. Shit, did I say that out loud? Your daughter gets fucked in the butt for coke, buddy. You think she won’t suck cock to close a deal?

Jamie Levine, Associate: Ahem. What Gary means is that we need to be considering less … um … traditional forms of incentives. This isn’t yesterday’s market. Your daughter totally takes it in the ass for coke. Gets fucked up the butt. Heh. She’s so pretty.

Rick Hilton: I don’t like this line of thinking. Let’s come up with some other ideas.

Marc Fiedler, Associate: We could get more creative with our financing. Remind clients of the tax benefits of their investments, advise them on the new loopholes in the tax laws. Your daughter is such a slut. How is she going to romp around naked with Jason Shaw for twenty minutes and not get a single good shot of his penis? That’s not fair to some of us. Also: your daughter gets fucked in the butt for coke, dude.

Rick Hilton: These are terrible ideas, people! What am I paying you for? You are such disappointments to me. You turn this trend around or you’re all fired!

Felix Pena, J.D., Associate: Dude. Your daughter gets fucked in the butt for the coke.

And scene.

Angelina Jolie’s mother passed away. [MollyGood]

Mariah Carey does Playboy. This is exactly what you wanted … in 1996. [DListed]

Matt Dillon doesn’t like Marilyn Manson because Manson once cut his pubes with scissors he’d borrowed from Dillon. It’s always something. [Agent Bedhead]

Mary-Kate isn’t anorexic, people, she’s blonde. [Celebslam]

Disney theme parks make their way into the gossip blogosphere for the first time since Lohan got trashed at Disneyland in July, with a series of Disney-themed ads featuring Beyonce, Scarlett and David Beckham. Lindsay is conspicuously absent, although she’s been photographed plenty coming to and from her own Wonderland. [popbytes]

MollyGood has posted one of the best videos I’ve seen in a while. From ParisExposed.Com, the website that just won’t go away, you get not only the “dude covered in blow” actually talking but also Paris being absolutely blitzed out of her mind and Joe Francis showing off her goodies to the camera.

My favorite part has to be when the “dude covered in blow” has to vacuum the excess cocaine off himself with a Dirt Devil because doing a kilo of cocaine in one sitting would lead to such not “hot” things as death. His girlfriend seems a bit peeved at him wasting all of their good drugs to which he replies “it is ok, I’ll buy you a watch.”

From this video we learn a few things. Paris loves being retarded in front of video cameras. Joe Francis is more of a perv than we thought before. Paris loves her drugs. Watching all 20 glorious minutes of this video is totally worth it. It gets slow at times yet really after watching this Tara Ried looks like a Mormon.

I don’t feel like writing much about it right now. I’m sure the urge will strike eventually. But, if you should be one of those folks who cares, most of the Paris Hilton stuff from ParisExposed.com is available for free here. There also more here. Knock yourselves out.

Those diligent cameramen over at X17 finally caught a pic of Jayden James sans his ever-present blanket. You can actually see his face! And he is adorable!!!

Brit-Brit was back to what she does … best? She was at a studio in Hollywood choreographing and dancing, with both her kiddos present. JJ was in the back being held by an assistant, but he slipped into view for a frame or two.

For more pics (although this is the best shot of JJ) and video, check here.

The disgraced Miss USA — who entered rehab almost a month ago at the request of Donald Trump, who runs the Miss Universe organization, after allegations of inappropriate behavior surfaced — checked out this weekend, and gave People magazine some killer quotes.

“My life has completely changed, she says. “I’m a completely different person out of rehab. Before I entered rehab I hardly knew who I was. I felt like I was floating and I just needed someone to pull me down. I didn’t think I had any kind of issue going into rehab. But I’ve realized I do have an issue. I suffer from the disease of alcoholism and addiction. And if there’s anything that I want people to know it’s the severity of this disease and what it can do to people.”

Whatever the path she took to get there, I’m glad that Tara has decided to speak publicly about her struggles with addiction, and hopefully she can set a positive example for young people everywhere who struggle with the disease. Unlike a certain other celeb in rehab, Tara kept her ass in a treatment center and away from photogs during her 31-day stay, worked a program, and emerged to share her experience with others. Way to go, Tara!

Not that most of us were buying into it to begin with, but one of Perez Hilton’s spies caught Clay Aiken red-handed (and with four fingers up) in the act of soliciting sex on a gay hook-up site. Check out a copy of the chat and the pictures.

While I’ve never been a huge supporter of Perez’s decision to out celebs, the case on Clay has been pretty clear for awhile. It must be horrible to have to hide your sexual identity like this — I mean, if you’ve convinced yourself it’s reasonable to trust random dudes on some Internet hook-up site with your fame and sexuality, you’re really desperate for some lovin’. Just come out of the closet, Clay! Score the cover of People magazine. Hit up some gay bars! Get laid!! You deserve it!!