There’s really not much dirt to this story (not yet, at least). Essentially, some dude talked to some California-based employee of Oprah Winfrey’s company and taped conversations in which the employee said mean things about Oprah. Then the bad guy emailed Oprah and was like “Hey, your employee said mean things about you, and I’m going to write a book about it.”

So Oprah’s folks contacted the FBI first, and then contacted the bad guy, and they were like “Okay, dude who taped phone conversations with someone who is not Oprah Winfrey and now hopes to use things said by not-Oprah Winfrey to blackmail Oprah Winfrey, sure, we will totally give you $1.5 million dollars to not write a book about mean things a mid-level employee said about Oprah Winfrey. And we’ll totally also wire you $3000 in earnest money. A full 0.2%!! Yeah, that’s pretty much the standard earnest percentage in blackmail. No, really. We ran this one by our lawyers. Trust us. Meet us tomorrow in a parking lot for the rest. We’ll be wearing red hats. This will go smoothly for all parties.”

So, um, needless to say, the dude was arrested the next day.

Here’s my favorite part of all of this. The bad guy’s name is Keifer Bonvillain. Bonvillain. Isn’t that just the best name ever for a criminal? It’s so … Cruella DeVille. If I ever choose to pursue a life as a career criminal, I’m totally making that my last name. And I’ll wear black berets and bright red lipstick and smoke with a jade cigarette holder and whisper orders in a faux French accent. Omigosh I am soooo ready to rob a bank!!! I would be sooo adorable!!!

According to Page Six, Lindsay’s hospital stay for “appendicitis” may be a result of yet another days-long drug and alcohol binge. The starlet, who has admitted to seeking recovery in AA, reportedly had over 20 friends in and out of her apartment on Wednesday night. They “were not there to bring her chicken soup,” says a source.

Lohan called in sick to the set of the movie she’s filming and was admitted to the hospital on Thursday. Apparently these guests were helping her continue the “constant party she started on New Year’s.” Rumors have begun that the billion bottles of water we’ve seen Lindsay carrying out of clubs lately are actually filled with vodka (as bloggers have long speculated). She won’t let actual bottles of liquor near her table at clubs, lest she be photographed with them.

Brilliant! This is the female response to “Dick in a Box.” A must-see!!! I LOVE this!! Can I make this my MySpace song? Please??

So I hate to say this but I think that John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are kind of cute. I think they have been dating on and off for a while and John wasn’t into the publicity machine that was Miss Simpson. They are finally publicly “coming out” as a couple and I think it a bit good for both of them. John needs a little drama to fuel his whiny songs and Jess needs some kind of stability so she can get off her path to crazy. I’m kind of hoping that this works out for both of them and he knocks her up, then we won’t be subjected to her awful music or crappy movies for at least a year. A girl can always dream.

Paula Paula Paula…you are an woman in her 40s there is no reason to dress like a teenager from the late 90s. If you are trying to look hot in a corset please don’t put bows on it. I really think this woman needs to hire a stylist to make her look like an actual lady. She is trashy without the body to back it up and it is just kind of sad that she just can’t pull it together and wear a normal non-Forever 21 outfit. It is sad when people spend thousands of dollars to look this cheap. I really can’t wait for American Idol this season to see if she’s sobered up a bit..bitch is crazy and that is why I love her.

Or at least her lawyers did.

Britney and K-Fed agreed to a temporary custody arrangement for the month of January. While it’s been said (by celebrity gossip bloggers, who, like myself, all have J.D.s and a minimum of five years experience practicing divorce law) that Britney’s wild ways, when contrasted with Federline’s recent campaign for Father of the Year, would result in a custody settlement that favors the Fed-Ex, that doesn’t seem to be the case so far.

Federline got his ass whooped in the arrangement. Well, I mean, he got his ass whooped if you start with the assumption that he wasn’t actually hoping for a court-mandated excuse to rarely have to bother being around his children. According to the agreement, Federline can spend the hours of noon to four on Monday, Wednesday and Friday with his children, at Spears’ home. Spears is allowed to be present. Spears is also allowed to take the children to Miami for a week, starting today.

Britney, who recently admitted to being “far from perfect” in a letter to fans on her website, and Kevin have yet to determine a final custody agreement.