Okay, look, I know the audition phase is always a freak show, but tonight was in a class all its own.

For starters, on day one in Birmingham, Paula Abdul is trashed. I mean, right from the start. Just out of her freakin’ head deeeeeeeeeerunk. Not the twitching-a-little-and-making-no-sense Paula we’ve come to know and love, but actually-on-the-floor-and-having-trouble- standing-and- laughing-at- inappropriate-times out of her goddamn skull drunk. I suppose it’s possible that the sound feed between the auditioners and the judges table got dropped. Or, you know, the sound feed between Paula Abdul’s brain and the rest of her body got dropped. Or, most likely, Paula herself got dropped on her head as a child. Sigh. This is only day one.

Day one also brings Jamie Lynn Ward, who is Kellie Pickler on acid. This girl has a Southern accent I didn’t know you could actually hear outside the context of a comedy sketch. Simon asks her to tell them something interesting about herself. Which is the politest way the producers could come up with of getting at the following response: “I live wit may grammaw and may daddy’s paralyzed from here down. He shot hisself raight here (pointing to neck). His waif wuz cheatin awn im, which wuz may stepmomma an he cawt em in the act an it wuddn’t the firs time so like he shot her and he shot hisself and now I live wit may grammaw to help her take care a im.” Beat. “But its okay.”

Please, God, why am I laughing so hard right now? I can’t stop! I am a bad person, I admit it. I have scoured YouTube for footage of this eloquence, but I can’t find it yet. Please please please Lord let it be up tomorrow. Please please if any of you finds this on YouTube, send me the link. I’m begging you! I must have this thing on my blog.

By day two, Paula’s in a rehab detoxing. Or, as Ryan Seacrest narrates, at a “family obligation” in Los Angeles. So it’s just Randy and Simon at the judges table. Which, frankly, makes for a really strange chemistry, and I realize now how important Paula is, drunk and all. I know Birmingham isn’t exactly the music capital of the world, but was there really no one in that city who could judge on short notice? For 30 million viewers? Tammy Wynette, where are you when we need you?

Alright, alright. I’m done for now. I’ll shut up. In closing, to quote the inimitable Leslie Carter: “It’s, like, wow!”

If you had to be in rehab with Lindsay Lohan, you’d drink, too. [A Socialite's Life]

Not only is Britney Spears still dating Jewish actor/model Isaac Cohen, she’s sporting a star of David. Also, I challenge all readers to beat X17’s headline for this one. I don’t feel it’s possible. [X17]

Sienna Miller left her pants at the Factory Girl premiere. [ICYDK]

You always knew Paris Hilton was a racist bitch, but thankfully we now have it all on tape. [WWTDD]

Pete Doherty takes his eight millionth shot at getting sober. If this guy were a stock, I’d short it. [Cele|bitchy]

Brandy is slapped with a $50 million suit by the parents of the woman she killed in a traffic accident late last year. [Bossip]

Jennifer Lopez isn’t a Scientologist, she just throws them her support when they’re boosting her career. [Celebslam]

It’s not gone, folks, it’s just hiding. It’s here now. Get your $40 worth quick. Or, you know, get it for free all over the Internet.

Thanks to Anna for the heads-up.

Dude, little Harry Potter got hot. Daniel Radcliffe, 17, who has starred in the Harry Potter films since the first release in 2001, is now working his magic on the ladies in a series of promotional photos for Equus, a play he’s doing on London’s West End. While the play is an award-winning dark psychological drama about a young boy who blinds a stable of horses with a spike, the photos (check them out here) feature a naked Harry Potter (with rock-hard abs and a happy trail to die for … if you like that sort of thing) posing with a white horse (notably less hot).

So … props go out to a former child star looking to take on a challenging and meaningful theatrical role. Right? Um, no. Parents of Harry Potter’s legion of young fans are outraged, and are sending angry emails to Harry Potter fansites. (Truly, I didn’t realize how utterly ungrounded the general public can be until I started posting my email address along with my Film.com column last week, and have since received not one but two emails from separate individuals who apparently believe me to be Tyra Banks and would like me to come and visit them at their house. Directions from the airport provided.) Here is one choice quote: “We as parents feel Daniel should not appear nude. Our nine-year-old son looks up to him as a role model. We are very disappointed and will avoid the future movies he makes.” Right, guys, because Daniel Radcliffe, six years ago, signed a contract agreeing to behave in a strictly Harry Potter-like fashion until the age of 45, or until you as parents step up to serve as the primary role models in your child’s life, whichever comes first.

If you can believe it, it turns out Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) is every bit the classy gentleman that his Dirty-Sanchezed sex tape would make him out to be. Diamond, who is currently taping VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club 5, has reportedly had trouble making friends with many of his castmates. (As an aside: I have plenty of adjectives to describe Dustin Diamond, but “overweight” has never been one of them. I like how he’s doing the “fat celeb” television show just because it’s a television show.)

Diamond appears on the program alongside Kimberley Locke, from American Idol, and Tiffany, from malls. Both stormed off the set after Locke got into a fight with Diamond. Are you ready for the funniest thing ever? This is what Diamond said on-camera to upset Locke: “Screw Kimberley Locke. I’m going to make a dildo of my cock and fuck her with it.” After the walkout, producers halted the taping and sent everyone home. Kimberley is now telling the producers that either she goes or Dustin goes.

An inside source says that Dustin has not made many friends on the show: “Nobody wants him on their team. The producers have a difficult decision to make.” This is so wonderful! Celebrity Fit Club has their very own Puck!

You know, it’s moments like these that make me glad to be alive. Sunsets are lovely, and I enjoy the sound of the ocean and a cool breeze across my cheek, and falling in love is a thrill every now and then, but, mostly, it’s waking up on a cloudy Tuesday morning to discover that Screech threatened to sodomize an American Idol contestant with a self-styled sex toy that make me stop and reflect on just how suddenly joyful this journey of life can be. Thank you, Dustin Diamond. Thank you for everything.

Lance and Reichen split for good. Lance must have heard about Reichen’s famous wandering eye, because he’s changed his MySpace song to fellow *NSYNCer’s “What Comes Around Goes Around.” Cute. [MollyGood]

I’ve resigned myself to the fact that no one is ever going to explain to me why Keeley Hazell is famous. But she sure is hot. [The Blemish]

Candid photos of an Olsen twin putting her mouth on someone else’s body? Never gets old. [CW]

Also in underage antics: Hilary Duff gets wasted at Hyde. [Monica Monroe]

Gideon Yago peaces out at MTV, gives audience waaay too much credit. [IBBB]

Who’d've thunk it? In between puking and talking about puking, Katharine McPhee actually found time to record an album. An eponymous album, at that. It’s not bad, specifically, it’s just not particularly interesting. Maybe it will grow on me. It’s a soulful R&B sound, very reminiscent of her “Black Horse and a Cherry Tree” turn on AmIdol. It’s a fairly mature sound from an AmIdol contestant. Except she had to go and title a song “Not Ur Girl.” When will people stop titling songs like they were IMing their BFF? Pick a fucking demographic, Kat. Seriously, can you imagine if they’d pulled that shit 30 years ago? And today we’d all be covering “A Case of U” and “Ticket 2 Ride” and “Uve Got a Friend”?

Anyway, AOL has the whole thing streaming for free right now. Check it out here.