Jessica Simpson has not had the best 2006. It is being reported that on the set of her new movie “Blond Ambition” Jessica didn’t leave her trailer for 2 days, prompting an intervention by her sister Ashlee. It might be a bit redundant to say that she has been experiencing quite the fall from grace as of late. First, her album flops. Second, she experiences a bout of fug as her sister gets crazy hot. Third, her movies are lameo. Lastly, her love-life has become the running joke of the tabloids. While Nick is off with his hot Vanessa Jessica’s people keep trying to link her to various men with no success. John Mayer didn’t seem to interested in her once their relationship went public. (secret sex anyone??) Evidently she was dating the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys for a hot second until he moved on to Carrie Underwood.
In 2007 hopefully we will get to look forward to the pending Jessica Simpson breakdown when Nick and Vanessa get engaged, the crap that will be “Blonde Ambition,” and many more bad hair extensions via her main gay, Ken Paves.
Thank You Jessica for going slowly batty, you give us the strength to move on from Lindsay Lohan.

Thanks to TMZ for this amazing article and a fantastic fat-face photo of Miss Simpson.

I’ve missed Michael Jackson. He’s a freakshow and he makes me feel better about my own pathetic life. I run through a mental checklist everytime I see him. Strange plastic surgery? Not me. Child luring theme park? Wouldn’t even think to build one. Inventor of the moonwalk? Hell no, I rock the Roger Rabbit! You get the point.

Today is a good day because my boy is back in the news for a couple of stories. The first is that he’s suing his accountants. Yawn. Everyone knows that accountants steal and the government harvests brains for moon colonies. Not a shocker there. But there is one more interesting tidbit:

“Rumor has it the entertainer plans to take a page out of Céline Dion’s book and develop a live show on the Strip.”

Jacko in Vegas? Oh boy! I’d long hoped for this, especially as the prevailing wisdom was he’d keep molestin’ in an “old school” manner overseas. I mean, even his proud poppa thought we’d never get our fill of Michael again:

His father, (shoeless) Joe Jackson, speculated that his son would never live in the U.S. again because of the way he had been treated.

Yep, he was denied life, liberty, and the pursuit of being freaky deaky. With this news we can all count our blessings that we’ll be able to catch a Dion / Jackson double feature right before we hit the strip clubs, and afterwards we’ll plummet to our death from the 85th floor of the Bellagio. Classy!

On her baby, of course, although I’d also be interested in a scientific analysis of where the hell this woman comes from. The LA Superior Court ordered Anna and her three-month-old daughter to come to Los Angeles for paternity testing, at the request of her former sugar daddy, Larry Birkhead, who claims the child is his. Batshit Anna, as you’ll recall, claims the baby daddy is Howard K. Stern, her longtime lawyer and recent “husband.” Frankly, I don’t really care who the baby’s daddy is — it’s a good story either way — but if someone could step up to the plate and claim he’s the father of Suri Cruise, just so we could get those paternity tests run, I’d be a really happy blogger.

So, normally I leave the haute couture discussions in more capable hands (read: Evil T), but my good friend Marc Chung (who runs a data mining blog I’m sure this audience will find captivating) pointed out to me tonight that our two blogs may have some common ground.

In his data mining adventures, Marc stumbled upon Like.com, an online software that allows you to specify items a celebrity is wearing in a photo and quickly search the Internet for similar fashion items. You can specify color, price range, and which factors about the style are most important to you, and Like.com will present you with a series of similar products you might like, and tell you where you can buy them online.

The software’s still in its alpha version, so it’s very preliminary. I’m pretty sure you can only use the pictures they already have uploaded, and some searches come up blank, but some work really well. It’s definitely a website for fashionistas to keep an eye on.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie spent Christmas with Colombian refugees in Costa Rica, while Jennifer Aniston lit holiday cigarettes with $100 bills and stirred vodka into her hot cocoa using the bones of the orphan children she’s trapped and killed.

Check out this audio of someone calling into Star Jones’ radio show to ask “How fat are you, Star Jones, and is your husband gay?” Star Jones retorts with a mostly incoherent rant about how this caller was obviously holding up his end of a bet and how he “couldn’t get into the schools that my husband graduated from.” Nowhere in there, of course, is a rebuttal of the implicit statement that her husband is gay.

Thanks to Pop on the Pop for the heads-up.