From our friends at MollyGood. Here is “Trapped in the Clauset,” a holiday parody of the R. Kelly epic. It is really really disturbing, but so is the fact that Nicole Richie was driving on THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD. Let me just tell you that it involves Jesus banging Santa’s woman. It crosses the line…and that’s why the Beet is featuring it for you today.
Here is the first video. Click here to see the rest of the trilogy.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdieuIAiS-c]

For this Monday I am feeling quite happy. It might be the fact that New York is just adorable during the holidays, or it just might be Corrine Bailey Rae. She has been popping up everywhere from MTV to “Studio 60″ and now her song “Put Your Records On” is on a constant loop on my ipod. It is such a happy song, and really will put you in a good mood during the holidays if you tend to go towards the dark side when you have to spend time with your crazy family. I love it and I hope you do to. She is nominated for a Grammy for Best New Artist and I’m sure we will hear a lot more from this singer/songwriter.

While La Lohan appears to have stepped aboard the sobriety wagon, Miss Nicole Richie has fallen way, way off. Nicole, who has struggled with substance abuse for as long as you’ve heard of her, was arrested for DUI early Monday morning. Her SUV was spotted going the wrong way on the 134 in Burbank. That’s right, folks: it’s not that she was swerving, it’s that she was going the wrong way on the freeway. Two motorists called 911, and, when cops got to Nicole, she was stopped in the carpool lane, talking on her cell phone. She admitted she had taken Vicodin and smoked pot, although a preliminary screening revealed she had not been drinking. Her booking sheet reveals she is 5′1″ and 85 pounds.

Sadly, CHP has decided they won’t be releasing Richie’s mugshot.

Welcome to the celebrity DUI club, Nicole. It’s good to have you.

Update: What was Nicole Richie doing driving through Burbank at 4 o’clock in the morning? Heading back from Glendale, it seems, where new boyfriend Joel Madden lives. (Joel and Hilary Duff broke up, like, 5 minutes ago.) Cute.

I’m a fan of Sienna Miller. I don’t know if it was her work in Layer Cake or the beating she took on the Jude Law thing but I’ve been quietly pulling for her. Well, here is a fun interview The interview is very long and somewhat of a puff piece but I did enjoy this tidbit:

(on breaking up with Jude Law) “There were times when I felt like it was all just too much to deal with,” she recalls, declining to share the details. (Miller admits that she’s tried therapy, but after angrily calling the therapist a “cow” in response to a particularly difficult question in the first session, she was told she was still in trauma and not ready for analysis. She has not been back since.

Okay, that’s good fun. I can’t imagine how this came up but my imagination is running wild. “Sienna, do you think you are attracted to Jude because you’re having trouble with how your dad treated your mom?” (pause for Sienna to puff on a cig) “You Cow!!” I’m guessing she may never be ready for therapy. Don’t sweat it sister, the great ones defy analysis. Consider me still pulling for you.

Oh, one last thing, the interview mostly deals with her role in Factory Girl, a role that Katie Holmes was attached to at some point in the production but allegedly pulled out of due to the risque level and the fact that she’s slowly preparing for when she’s beamed to a new planet.

Dakota Fanning, age 12, gave Time magazine the following quote for this week’s issue: “I would love to direct someday. I’ve learned a lot from watching directors I’ve worked with [sic], like Steven Spielberg and Gary Winick, whom I worked with [sic] on Charlotte’s Web. I would love to have that relationship with another actor.”

Oh, sweet Dakota, age 12. While I always appreciate the correct objective use of a relative pronoun, you used a terminal preposition in the first clause of that sentence, and misplaced another in the second. Your sentence, if you were really that smart, should read like this:

“I’ve learned a lot from watching directors with whom I’ve worked, like Steven Spielberg and Gary Winnick, with whom I worked on Charlotte’s Web. Mommy, can I have my childhood back?”

Seriously, Dakota, if you want to be a director, you should really learn how to write an English sentence first. Don’t they even bother to homeschool you? Sheesh.

Charlotte’s Web opens next month, and Fanning’s independent film, Hound Dog, will be screened at Sundance in January.

After almost days of searching, the paparazzi catch Nicole Richie and Joel Madden together. Take that, Hilary Duff. Now you’re left all alone with your hyper-successful, talent-driven career and your consistently positive media image. They sure showed you. [X17]

Paris. Miami. Stavros. [Hollyscoop]

With Paris Hilton safely on another coast, Lindsay Lohan appears to have put together several days of sobriety. Rock on. [Page Six]

Ellen Pompeo thinks she would look really good if she could just manage to put on five or ten more pounds. I think Ellen Pompeo would look really good with a black eye and a few broken ribs. [A Socialite's Life]

Pics of the Jolie-Pitts, sans Shiloh, in NYC. [Mollygood]

Beyonce’s not the only one pissed that Jennifer Hudson got the role of Effie in Dreamgirls. But at least Fantasia Barrino will cop to it. [Snarky Gossip]

Lindsay, you made it too easy for me this week. I really thought I would go outside the box and find some D list celebrity to make fun of but then I saw this. Nobody should wear a jumpsuit unless they are fixing your toilet. I don’t care if this jumpsuit cost $2,500. Linsday has been looking really bloated these days and wearing a shapeless jumpsuit really doesn’t help to quell the rumors that she is plumping up. I miss Linsday when she had red hair and wore jeans and t-shirts. No matter how hard she tries, she is no fashionista.