Giuliana DePandi has officially stolen my dream and ridden off with it into the sunset.

The E! News host is engaged to Bill Rancic, who won the first season of Donald Trump’s Apprentice. The two met in 2004 when she interviewed him after his Apprentice win, but didn’t start dating until an interview earlier this year. Giuliana asked Bill during the interview if he was dating anyone. He said no, and asked her out later once the cameras were off.

I would love to attempt to snarkily paraphrase the details of her engagement to him, but since:

1) I am pathetically single.

2) Bill Rancic is hot and smart and charming and rich and

3) Giuliana DePandi totally beat me to the celeb-gossip-reporter-gets-asked-out-by-hot-smart-charming-rich- interviewee-and-they-live-happily-ever-after punch and

4) This sucks and I am bitter

I am just going to pull DiPandi’s quote from E! Online:

“At first, I thought Bill was surprising me with a helicopter ride over downtown Chicago to see the Christmas lights. Then, suddenly he pulled out the most beautiful ring I have ever seen and asked me to marry him. I was so excited I could barely speak. When we got back to his house, he had roses and rose petals scattered everywhere and a big chocolate cake sitting next to a bottle of our favorite wine. It was the best night of my life.”

Are you done reading that? Because I’m not quite done throwing up. Give me another minute. Here, look at a picture of Leann Rimes with her dogs. That should get you to about where I’m at.

Okay. Done.

My sad, celibate, lonely life aside, thisisreallygreatandiamhappyforher. Okay?

Justin Guarini has cut his hair. And, for the first time in the history of the world, the mere sight of him doesn’t make me want to vomit all over myself. Apparently he’s filming a movie and doing annoying interviews and stuff, all of which still brings on the up-chucks. However, the hair? Is okay with me now. He doesn’t look half bad. So, JGuars, you’ve won this one. This brings the current score in the Justin Guarini Sucks War to JGuars, 1, Evil Beet staff, 57. At least it won’t be a shut-out.

Martha Stewart’s found an “Apprentice” that fits in just right. [A Socialite's Life]

Christina Aguilera’s hubby, Fugly McMusicProducer, was spotted partying solo and ringless. Trouble in paradise? [Gabsmash]

Paris Hilton lies about her sex life. [The Blemish]

Shanna Moakler is just glad to see another Miss USA labeled as a drunken slut. Although, in fairness, Shanna was never accused of making out with teenage girls. [TMZ]

Nicole Richie goes grocery shopping. Hopefully for some freaking Midol. [MollyGood]

What’s it been, like four hours without Lohan news? Thankfully our wait is over, we can all breathe easy now that our girl has bruises on her thighs. Wait, back up, let me explain.

Page Six is reporting:

LINDSAY Lohan is suffering for her art – that is, suffering bruises from dancing on a stripper’s pole to prepare for her role as a topless dancer in her new movie, “I Know Who Killed Me.”

Want more? They evidently have an email she sent to her friends where she wrote:

“They’re all whores, they’re all whores (strippers) . . . xcept for some obviously!” Lohan wrote in the note, “So . . . 3 hours of pole dancing and bruised. everywhere . . . I mean we’re talkin’ like, UPPER AND INNER THIGH ACTION-bruised . . . like a walking black-and-blue mark.”

The one thing I want to know here is what jerk-off friend turned this email over to page six?

Spicy Pants over at Celebrity Smack decided to poll some of the coolest gossip bloggers around to get their opinions on the gossip world this past year. She was kind enough to include Evil Beet in the bloggers she talked to, and we were more than happy to share our opinion (we are always happy to share our opinion). Head on over there to see what everyone else had to say!

Britney Spears has lost the home-court advantage in the battle for her reputation. Brit, whose face somehow gained 20 pounds this weekend, showed up to see the Lakers take on the Wizards last night with kid sister Jamie Lynn. When they showed her on the Jumbotron, the Los Angeles crowd actually started booing. Britney has not been winning supporters in L.A. — or anywhere else for that matter. She has learned to wear underwear these days — although she sometimes forgets to put an outfit over it — but it doesn’t look like her adopted hometown is willing to forgive her original lapse of judgment. Or her second one. Or her third one.

As if this weren’t enough, the Jumbotron later focused on a K-Fed lookalike, prompting cheers from the audience. Britney left the game before half-time, visibly upset about the incident. Even more distressing, the Lakers lost in overtime.

I don’t have a link because I just saw it on a tiny local news channel called CNN but Edward Norton has come out against the award show swag. For those not in the know, anyone who attends any award show such as say, The Oscars, gets a giant bag of expensive goodies. Actually, the Oscars are the worst offenders because they consider themselves the biggest and baddest award show on the planet. I have no idea what you’d get if you headed out to the “People’s Choice Awards,” but I’d assume it would be something like a combo flashlight keychain.

Anyway, Oscar gives hella goodies. What kind of goodies you ask? Well, offhand a google search popped up this article which has a quote from The Chicago Sun-Times:

The Chicago Sun-Times is reporting that the gift bags have an estimated value of $100,000.

Basically we’re talking the latest and greatest in tech gear and unattainable items for the general public. So you’re out there saying “Well, why do rich Hollywood types need free shit?” Exactly my friend; Edward Norton is on the case. He correctly notes a lot of people are in need that don’t make big bucks from entertainment. Perhaps we should hook them up, eh?

That’s reason number #42 we love him so much, right after the fact that his character in Fight Club wants to fight William Shatner.