I can think of a lot of gifts I would have given Tom and Katie had they invited me to the wedding.

A golden scepter
Diamond encrusted cubic zirconium
Multiple Maseratis.

But you know what I wouldn’t have thought of? One of those hand written notes you used to give your mom that promised you’d clean the kitchen for a week.

Luckily David Beckham remembered. Per our pals at the SfGate Daily Dish; He’s giving Tom’s children soccer lessons as a wedding gift.

That’s right, Connor and Isabella are set to take lessons with good ol’ Becks when he’s not indisposed.

Whaa? This gift sucks ass for a myriad of reasons but here are just a few:

1) Katie gets nothing.
2) Katie’s little nugget Suri gets nothing.
3) Connor and Isabella don’t need soccer lessons because they won’t be soccer players. Plus they are eleven and thirteen. Plus they weren’t getting married (unless I truly don’t get how that religion works).
4) Posh Spice should fucking know better.
5) It’s not a GIFT! You can’t hold it!

It’s the kind of thing you offer after a few drinks, or maybe throw out there for giggles, but you get them a Goddamn real gift because they are damn near American royalty. You are worth millions; get them one big ass Crate & Barrel gift certificate. C’mon man.

Now, this is all just alleged and maybe he actually got them a platinum mini Ferrari for Suri to run over the Paparazzi with. Here’s hoping.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to prepare my “free backrub” coupons for momma.

Hi all. Beet here. I changed our commenting software to Haloscan last night, and this should make commenting much easier, especially for those of you who are not registered with Blogger. So quit lurking and say hello to us! We love your adoring praise, your blind, hateful criticism and, of course, your spam.

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Evil Beet

Jump inside for the uncensored pics.

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Karen and Gaston Nogues from the Skin + Bones Opening Night Party at MOCA ladies and gentlemen. Karen, honey, animal prints are in but we ask you to do them in a tasteful way not wear them over your nightgown with a matching bag. Everything is wrong with this outfit. It hurts my eyes. I think I’m hungover on Turkey.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IsMXEa8lBE]
I don’t really understand what this is advertising…It looks like a mix of “do you want a little sucky sucky?” and some Saturday morning kids TV show? The Japanese are funny, that is all I know.

Project Runway host Heidi Klum and husband Seal sent their latest creation down that fabulous runway of life on Tuesday. (Look, just be grateful I didn’t make the runway/birth canal parallel I was trying for originally.) Klum (well, Seal) made the announcement on her website:

TO OUR CHILDREN, A BROTHER TO OUR PARENTS, A GRANDSON TO MY WIFE AND I, A SON TO OUR FAMiLY, A BLESSING JOHAN RILEY FYODOR TAIWO SAMUEL WAS BORN AN 11/22/06 AT 17:01 in L.A. WEIGHING 8 LBS 11 OUNCES. HE IS HEALTHY, BEAUTIFUL AND LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS MOTHER.

Klum and Seal have another son, Henry Guenther Ademola Dashtu Damuel, age one. Klum also has a two-year-old daughter, Leni, from a previous relationship.

Perhaps Mr. Britney Spears won’t have to resort to selling sex tapes after all. While his soon-to-be ex-wife traverses the country on Paris Hilton’s coattails, Kevin Federline has reportedly been offered nearly $300,000 to appear on the U.K.’s Celebrity Big Brother.

According to an insider, “Kevin is hugely entertaining because he takes himself really seriously – even though no one else does. He’ll be great for the show because it’s all about larger-than-life characters.” Although Federline’s “real” fans should not be counted out — X17 snuck cameras into his recent House of Blues show, and caught Kevin leading an (unironically) cheering crowd in a chorus of — if I’m hearing this right — “Fuck K-Fed.” I’m not sure I completely understand the context, but about halfway through the film someone holds a Long Island iced tea up in the air, and that’s really all the explanation I need.