Today I was in a cab going to work (usually T does take the good ole subway but the foot is still on the mend) and I saw these HUGE NBC billboards up procliaming that they are the #1 network for morning and evening news shows. I didn’t really put two and two together until I was reading PageSix. They were up right in front of ABC studios on West 67th St. Evidently, NBC, sad that they are getting wacked in the ratings from shows such as Lost and Grey’s Anatomy decided to pull the network equivalent of a “na nanny boo boo.” They are nice billboards but a bit of an overkill. Why not try to get more viewers to the shows that aren’t doing so well like “Friday Night Lights” and “Studio 60″ rather than pat themselves on the back for not sucking it up a couple of hours in the day. ABC, of course took the “high road” stating, “Maybe if they spent that money on the staff they’ve been firing as opposed to some sophomoric stunt, they’d be in better shape. We didn’t realize that layoffs of 700 people and billboards were part of their strategy.” Snap ABC. Hopefully this bitchfight continues. Maybe Meredith Viera can go slap Kelly Ripa in the face.

Evil T and I are not especially skilled in the fine art of film review, and Spiteful Lars prefers his pornography to involve Kevin Federline, so we left it up to those lovable pervs over at Fleshbot to review Dustin Diamond’s feces-riffic opus, and here’s what they had to say:

That Diamond, whose financial woes drove him first to radio stations selling anti-foreclosure t-shirts, now peddles a sex tape through “1 Night in Paris” purveyors Red Light District, comes across as painfully self-conscious should be a given, but that the video fails to reveal a hidden redeeming talent is the unkindest cut of all.

Diamond made the tape after a Wisconsin club appearance when he was invited to join a bachelorette party in their hotel room, so he tells the camera, and the video is part of a series of competing sex tapes released by his friends. He addresses the camera as both “Mark” and “Bro”.

Diamond’s entreaties to the two-girl bachelorette party (including “You grew up with me, baby!”) eventually result in a gradual breakdown of their inhibitions, and it is impressive to hear him talking them down…

Shot in very poor P.O.V. style, “Screeched” features too many shots of Diamond’s face (Ed: frankly I’d prefer that to shots of his head, if ya know what I mean). It is a plus, though, that the banter seems real and that the bachelorette party, getting consistently drunker, appears nevertheless to be doing this of their own volition.

And that hyped Dirty Sanchez comes as something of an anticlimax. There is a lip. There is poo.

In my previous research on the topic of the Screech sex tape, I’d not come across the fact that he was intruding on a bachelorette party — apparently the key female players here are the bride and her bridesmaid. Can you imagine destroying your marriage before it’s even begun because you had dirty, on-camera, poo-related sex with Dustin Diamond? Whoever this would-be groom is, he narrowly dodged a bullet.

Check out Kimmel’s mucho funny Federline-drowning monologue at last night’s AMAs.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QO6mhwcYC8E]

Via CNN this afternoon, “Jackie Chan has launched a cosmetics line, his Web site said Monday, adding to the action star’s diverse range of businesses that include fitness clubs, restaurants, a clothing label and cookies.”

I understand the fitness clubs and I could get used to some hot Jackie Chan active wear but…cosmetics? How is Jackie Chan really in a position to sell womens cosmetics?

Evidently, “Chan’s skin care products, packaged with recycled materials, use natural ingredients that don’t pollute.” That’s all fine and good but if I use this will I be able to kick some serious ass? Does his blush give me Kung Fu powers? Otherwise I’m sticking to NARS y’all.

I have to say I loved Jay-Z a few years back. Before Beyonce, when he was sampling musicals I thought he was at least a litte bit of what the kids call “dope.”

Sadly he’s now very annoying. You can’t shake a stick without hearing him talk about coming out of retirement. If you’re going to retire when you’re in your twenties you better damn well wait a decade to “come back.” And why the hell would a rapper even bother retiring anyway? Just stop putting out albums man, we’ll get it. It’s not like your knees are shot or you need medicare you jerk off.

Even better, he was on Monday Night Football this past week. Wait for the relevance to come to you. Oh wait, there is none. None whatsoever. He’s from Brooklyn so they tried to tread water with the “So, ah, how about them Giants” line but as it turns out he’s a Cowboys fan. I mean gimme a break over here.

Slate.com did me one better though calling the new album his worst ever. He’s been sliding downhill for quite some time, and honestly if I was knocking boots with Beyonce I’d mail in my “art” too.

(Spiteful Lars slams mike down, once again winning the rap-battle)

Britney Spears and K-Fed briefly reunite to jointly issue one last depressing statement: they did not make a sex tape. [Agent Bedhead]

Somehow — somehow — Wesley Snipes has managed to compare his tax evasion indictment to rape and accuse the federal government of racism in a single well-advised statement sent via email to a columnist for the Orlando Sentinel. [E! Online]

I still haven’t figured out who this Katie “Jordan” Price person is, but she’s selling her implants on eBay. [Hollyscoop]

Will Smith homeschools his kids, because he knows everything. [Junkiness]

Kristin Cavallari has found someone even less famous than Brody Jenner to date, her Revenge of the Nerds “co-star,” Nick Zano. [Superficial Girls]

Before the T signs off for the night from the East Coast. Here are some links…

Enjoy vintage Mario Lopez via our friends at [College Humor]

Another athelete decides that he is going to “persue after other opportunities,” which will probobly result in a failed acting career/DUI arrest [A Socialite's Life]

Young boys are hot for Jessica Alba to be their substitute teacher. [Hollywood Tuna]

I kick myself that I didn’t guy Google stock back in the day. [Brietbart]

What should you watch tonight on TV? They agree with me that “Friday Night Lights” is awesome and you really should give it a chance. [Pajiba]

Every few weeks The Beet will get an email from someone upset at something that we have written. We secretly love these emails because we know that we are hitting a nerve. For the famous, and want to be famous, really any publicity is good publicity. Don’t believe me? Paris Hilton is the best example. Linsday Lohan secretly owes the paparazzi for her career. Getting your name out there is the name of the game.

The President of Kazaskstan thankfully has realized this idea that any publicity is good publicity and in an article for The Hollywood Reporter he has stated, “This film was created by a comedian so let’s laugh at it, that’s my attitude.”

Finally somebody gets that this movie is a joke. Though, “Baron Cohen’s jokes have become a public relations headache for Kazakhstan as the former Soviet state seeks to portray itself as a modern nation of well-educated professionals and a major non-OPEC oil exporter,” the President Nursultan Nazarbayev thankfully has taken the high road and simply enjoyed his country’s name recognition in the world.

If you haven’t seen this movie it is worth the hype. Plus, I heard “Babel” was the worst movie ever.