As a special service to you, my fine readers, I have taken upon myself the task of reading Britney Spears’ middle-school essay on the ancient Greek tragedy of Antigone (pronounced “An-tih-guh-nee”), which goes on the auction block at Christie’s next month. I have also volunteered to note the spelling, punctuation and/or grammar mistakes her teacher missed. Also, for those of you who were supposed to read Antigone for class this week, you can save the money for the Cliff Notes. Brit sums most of it up quite nicely.

Antigone is about a girl who loses her brother during a war. She wants to bury them [sic], but the new king, Creon, will not allow it, and who shall ever do so shall be killed. Antigone wants her brother buried, because she wants him to be able to be in the heaven of ghost. So she goes out and buries him. There was a roomer [sic] about her burying her brother, so the gaurds [sic] keep a good look out. Finally, they catch her. They take her to the king. The king’s son is suppose [sic] to marry her. The son begs his father to have mercy, but nothing stops him. He puts her in a chamber. A [sic] advisor comes along and warns him that the God [sic] are angry with him. He get’s [sic] scared so he lets her go. [Ed: apparently this didn't actually happen in the play]. When they go to the chamber, they find her dead, because of suicide. Her soon to be [sic] husband kills himself, because he can’t stand the thought ->

Wanna know the rest? Put in a bid on Christie’s. It’s estimated to go for $500-700. Or, you know, read the play.

Today is the best day of Maksim Miakovsky’s life. He’s just hopping around his prison cell with glee. Good Charlotte frontman Joel Madden guest DJ’d at a Chicago club on Wednesday, and announced that he was now single. Apparently Duff broke up with him earlier in the month, citing the eight-year age difference.

Duff spoke not too long ago about how the paparazzi help her and Madden end fights. “If we’re out some place, we could totally be fighting,” she said, “but we’ll be looking at each other (smiling) because there’s a camera right there. Then we end up forgetting we’re in a fight, because we’re laughing since it’s not a real thing to do, and we’re both such real people.”

Apparently these fool-proof relationship-salvaging tactics eventually fell a bit short. Too bad! I can’t wait to see who Hilary dates next. Is Aaron Carter still available? Ooh, that would be fun.

Paris and Lindsay can never stay mad at each other, and it seems now Britney Spears has been drawn into this love/hate relationship. It wasn’t too long ago that Lindsay Lohan was caught on camera calling Paris Hilton a cunt. On Wednesday night, Lindsay pulled up to Hollywood hotspot Teddy’s — where Britney and Paris were partying inside — with Kevin Federline’s CD blasting in her car, and announced that she thought K-Fed was sexy and might be interested in “hooking up with him.” (Britney was overheard later saying “Tell her please, seriously, take him!”) Then, on Sunday, L2 told paparazzi that Paris Hilton had hit her with a drink at a party on Saturday night (watch the video).

The natural conclusion to all this is, of course, the three girls partying together on Sunday night, and leaving in the same car. In the video, Paris is asked about the drink-pouring incident, and she directs the paparazzi to Lohan herself, who is walking up behind them. “Lindsay, tell them the truth!” she says. “Paris never hit me,” says Lohan, “she’s my friend. Everyone lies about everything…she never did that, she’s a good girl, she’s a nice person. Please, stop trying to make us hate each other.” (Um, Lindsay, stop talking trash about her on video.) As she gets into the car with Britney and Paris, a photog actually says “Oh, this is classic.”

I should note that, in the 18,000 videos of Paris and Britney leaving clubs together this week, Britney almost never says a thing. She is clearly way too busy being ridiculously drunk, holding onto Paris, a publicist, and/or a car to maintain her balance most of the time. As she stumbles into the car in the last video, and the photogs try to take up-skirt shots, Paris admonishes them, “Guys, don’t be pervs.” (They got the shot anyway).

Oh, man, I cannot wait until Paris and Britney get into a huge fight. Maybe Britney will sleep with Stavros. Or Paris will sleep with K-Fed (although the former Mr. Spears is rumored to already have a new woman). Or Britney will become BFF with Shanna Moakler (whom, claims Travis Barker, has always been jealous of Paris). The possibilities are endless! Stay tuned!

Here is a way to pass your time, even though you probably have a lot of things to do this Monday.
Dress up Tom Cruise virtually. It is sad and kind of awesome to see how far his star has fallen.This is what you get for believing in aliens Tom.
Click here to begin your fun. Also check out the video below. Really, this should be about 25 min of procrastination, provided to you, free of charge from The Evil Beet.

As disturbing as this sounds, according to Dlisted, K-Fed has found himself a new lady and they spent the Thanksgiving Holiday at Miss Shar Jackson’s house. You know, Shar, Kevin’s other baby mama? The girl is not cute, but has that white trash big boobed thing goin on. I guess Kevin is into the porn star look, via an article almost a year ago, Kevin was rumored to have hooked up with porn star Kendra Jade. Here is another story of Kevin’s rumored infidelity.

We wonder if she is one of the many reasons for the Brit/K-Fed split? Hopefully one of them will turn up on TV soon enough to tell their side of the story. Maybe K-Fed can go the Nick Lachey route and write some soulful ballads about how his heart was broken by his way-more successful wife?

I just hope Britney Spears stops hanging out with Paris soon. Otherwise Kevin is going to look like a model father and that is just tragic.

Just in my inbox from the Hollyscoop ladies…Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from her hubby of only 4 months, Kid Rock.

This really isn’t very shocking but still kind of abrupt. Their boozy wedding didn’t really seem to foreshadow them growing old together but still it is odd that this happened right after Pam suffered a miscarriage. Maybe the idea of having kids with Pam was too much for fun-loving Kid Rock.

I wish there was something more exciting to report than they simply filed under “irreconcilable differences” (think Kenny Chesney and Zellweger’s “fraud”) but I will be poking around the internet today hopefully for something more fun to report. I mean, divorce is sad and all but when you get married in a white bikini, twice, we are allowed to make fun of your marriage.

I was sent a lovely email last week from one of our dedicated readers telling me to check out Joshua Radin. I love love love singer songwriters and he is just brilliant. Think Josh Kelley, Pete Yorn, Jack Johnson… His music is lovely and something to fall in love to. Think guys, music to put on when you have a lady in your apartment. This is the video, directed by Zach Braff, for his song “Closer.” He is one of those lovely artists that I implore you to buy the whole CD on itunes.

Update: A quick note from the editor: You’ll recall that Radin is also the godsend who brought national media attention to Paris Hilton’s on-stage vomiting incident just last week with a post on his MySpace blog.

The Panache Report ran the following blind item awhile back:

A young lady got in touch with me last week and related this disturbing story to me and she also emailed me numerous photos of her and “the subject” of this blind item.

A few years ago, she cared for her brother before he died of AIDS. About eight months ago, she started dating an actor who appeared on a popular black sitcom that has since been cancelled. Her family was impressed with him because he was a celebrity. One day, at work, she had a bad headache.

That evening, she went out to dinner with the actor. After dinner, they rented a movie and returned to his house. After the movie, before they became intimate, she insisted on protection, he balked, she grabbed her coat, he relented, she stayed, and they proceeded to have sex. Afterwards, she went into his bathroom, her head was still throbbing and she opened his medicine cabinet, looking for aspirin, instead she found AIDS medications (the same her brother took before his death).

She angrily confronted the actor, he tried to deny it until she threw the vials in his face. He finally confessed, saying, he probably got infected at one of the downlow parties he attends, he also told her-that he has had the virus for three years and he admitted to having unprotected sex with women and men on a constant basis. She was enraged, not only did he have the virus, he just admitted to spreading it intentionally and he confessed to bi-sexuality.

She screamed, ‘no wonder you didn’t want to wear a condom,’ he said, ‘Hey, someone gave it to me.’ She slapped him and stormed out the door! She got tested and was negative. She wanted to put this incident behind her but she found out, the actor was dating a black female actress. Through mutual friends, she was able to get word to the actress before the actress became intimate with him. Despite calling the “Health Department” on him, it is rumored the actor is dating an up and coming black female in the entertainment industry on the East Coast.

The young lady who related this story says “A headache may have saved my life-because over time, I may have become comfortable & trusting and let my guard down by having unprotected sex with him. “This same headache may have also saved the actress’s life.”

Hints..Although there have been numerous black sitcoms on the air, we can do a process of elimination on a few of the shows. The shows the actor did “NOT” appear on: Good Times, The Jeffersons, What’s Happening, The Cosby Show. And the show was carried on a “major” network. Also, we hinted in a prior blind item about this actor regarding downlow activities, Paris visited message boards that copied and pasted that particular blind item and most of the participants guessed his identity.

Now MediaTakeOut is claiming they’ve solved the mystery. Apparently they’ve received nearly 500 emails claiming that the man in question here is Darius McCrary, who played Eddie Winslow on Family Matters. Is it true? Who the hell knows. But the lesson here is obvious: always use a condom, even when you’re sleeping with a washed-up former TGIF mainstay. Whoever’s banging that methed-up Jodie Sweetin these days, you’ve been warned.