It’s in the news that Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams are tying the knot.

I know what he’s thinking. Eh, she had my kid and she’s still kind of hot so why not? Plus her status as a Dawson’s Creeker means he’s down to her or Josh Jackson if he wants to be Tom Cruise.

If you think I’m making a BrokeMountain joke you’re crazy. Those were played out about four minutes after the film came out.

Mary Kate and Ashley appear on The Today Show to give their first interview in two and a half years. They both appear sober and talk mostly about their careers. Yawn. [MollyGood]

Tom Cruise wore a girdle under his tux at his own wedding. Is this some wacky Scientology tradition? Nope. He just wouldn’t fit in his Armani suit otherwise. [Spank Cheeks]

Rachel Bilson accomplishes the previously unheard-of feat of simultaneously being adorable and at Hyde. [Yeeeah!]

Oh please, please, let there be a Jessica Simpson sex tape. [Egotastic]

“This Scarf is Heavy,” by Paris Hilton. [The Gilded Moose]

I am going to mention Hansen without mentioning “Horseface,” just this once, because they’re being nice to Africa. [Agent Bedhead]

Nicole Richie does her best Hamburgler. [Dirty Laundry]

Hillary Duff finally got her horse teeth fixed. According to “Life and Style,

“The length of each veneer was a little too long, and the width of the smile was too wide,” Dr. Michael Apa, dentist to the stars and Elite Model Management consultant, says of Hil’s smile, which cost the star at least $15,000. The work was meant to improve her smile, but “it made her look goofy, like she was bucktoothed. She probably had her teeth recontoured or reshaped to fit her smile,” says Apa of Hil’s smaller, narrower smile. “Now you look at her cute smile rather than focusing on her large teeth. She looks much prettier!”

Thank the lord. This orthodontist should be placed in the same plastic surgery jail as the hack that did Tara Reid’s boobs. Honestly, with all of the money these celebrities have how do they keep getting bad teeth/boob/nose/face jobs.

Hopefully these new chompers will land her a hot new mad since she is a single girl now.

As a special service to you, my fine readers, I have taken upon myself the task of reading Britney Spears’ middle-school essay on the ancient Greek tragedy of Antigone (pronounced “An-tih-guh-nee”), which goes on the auction block at Christie’s next month. I have also volunteered to note the spelling, punctuation and/or grammar mistakes her teacher missed. Also, for those of you who were supposed to read Antigone for class this week, you can save the money for the Cliff Notes. Brit sums most of it up quite nicely.

Antigone is about a girl who loses her brother during a war. She wants to bury them [sic], but the new king, Creon, will not allow it, and who shall ever do so shall be killed. Antigone wants her brother buried, because she wants him to be able to be in the heaven of ghost. So she goes out and buries him. There was a roomer [sic] about her burying her brother, so the gaurds [sic] keep a good look out. Finally, they catch her. They take her to the king. The king’s son is suppose [sic] to marry her. The son begs his father to have mercy, but nothing stops him. He puts her in a chamber. A [sic] advisor comes along and warns him that the God [sic] are angry with him. He get’s [sic] scared so he lets her go. [Ed: apparently this didn't actually happen in the play]. When they go to the chamber, they find her dead, because of suicide. Her soon to be [sic] husband kills himself, because he can’t stand the thought ->

Wanna know the rest? Put in a bid on Christie’s. It’s estimated to go for $500-700. Or, you know, read the play.

Today is the best day of Maksim Miakovsky’s life. He’s just hopping around his prison cell with glee. Good Charlotte frontman Joel Madden guest DJ’d at a Chicago club on Wednesday, and announced that he was now single. Apparently Duff broke up with him earlier in the month, citing the eight-year age difference.

Duff spoke not too long ago about how the paparazzi help her and Madden end fights. “If we’re out some place, we could totally be fighting,” she said, “but we’ll be looking at each other (smiling) because there’s a camera right there. Then we end up forgetting we’re in a fight, because we’re laughing since it’s not a real thing to do, and we’re both such real people.”

Apparently these fool-proof relationship-salvaging tactics eventually fell a bit short. Too bad! I can’t wait to see who Hilary dates next. Is Aaron Carter still available? Ooh, that would be fun.

Paris and Lindsay can never stay mad at each other, and it seems now Britney Spears has been drawn into this love/hate relationship. It wasn’t too long ago that Lindsay Lohan was caught on camera calling Paris Hilton a cunt. On Wednesday night, Lindsay pulled up to Hollywood hotspot Teddy’s — where Britney and Paris were partying inside — with Kevin Federline’s CD blasting in her car, and announced that she thought K-Fed was sexy and might be interested in “hooking up with him.” (Britney was overheard later saying “Tell her please, seriously, take him!”) Then, on Sunday, L2 told paparazzi that Paris Hilton had hit her with a drink at a party on Saturday night (watch the video).

The natural conclusion to all this is, of course, the three girls partying together on Sunday night, and leaving in the same car. In the video, Paris is asked about the drink-pouring incident, and she directs the paparazzi to Lohan herself, who is walking up behind them. “Lindsay, tell them the truth!” she says. “Paris never hit me,” says Lohan, “she’s my friend. Everyone lies about everything…she never did that, she’s a good girl, she’s a nice person. Please, stop trying to make us hate each other.” (Um, Lindsay, stop talking trash about her on video.) As she gets into the car with Britney and Paris, a photog actually says “Oh, this is classic.”

I should note that, in the 18,000 videos of Paris and Britney leaving clubs together this week, Britney almost never says a thing. She is clearly way too busy being ridiculously drunk, holding onto Paris, a publicist, and/or a car to maintain her balance most of the time. As she stumbles into the car in the last video, and the photogs try to take up-skirt shots, Paris admonishes them, “Guys, don’t be pervs.” (They got the shot anyway).

Oh, man, I cannot wait until Paris and Britney get into a huge fight. Maybe Britney will sleep with Stavros. Or Paris will sleep with K-Fed (although the former Mr. Spears is rumored to already have a new woman). Or Britney will become BFF with Shanna Moakler (whom, claims Travis Barker, has always been jealous of Paris). The possibilities are endless! Stay tuned!

Here is a way to pass your time, even though you probably have a lot of things to do this Monday.
Dress up Tom Cruise virtually. It is sad and kind of awesome to see how far his star has fallen.This is what you get for believing in aliens Tom.
Click here to begin your fun. Also check out the video below. Really, this should be about 25 min of procrastination, provided to you, free of charge from The Evil Beet.