Turns out the Donald Rumsfeld resignation story first broke at…

…the Comedy Central blog.

Loves. It.

[via Gawker]

Madonna is sporting a bruise on her left cheek after a scuffle with paparazzi at Heathrow airport this weekend. She was holding her (kind of) adopted baby, David, at the time. According to a source, “When she landed in London, there was a lot of pushing and shoving. She was jostled around. She got hit in the paparazzi’s commotion.” The baby was not injured.

Madonna was returning to London from NYC, where she’s been promoting her latest children’s book, Too Good to be True and her upcoming NBC television special, Madonna: The Confessions Tour Live from London. She’s also been appearing on a variety of talk shows to address the controversy surrounding her adoption.

…and the blame is falling squarely on Donald Rumsfeld, who’s stepping down as Defense Secretary. That President dude wants some former CIA bigshot, Robert Gates, to take his spot. Stay tuned.

Also important: Australian home-wrecker Abbie Cornish was a no-show at the premiere of her new movie, Candy. She’s probably trying to stay out of the spotlight after being blamed for the Reese/Ryan split. Ryan’s denied a lot of things this week, but he hasn’t denied his relationship with Cornish, which friends say he made very little effort to hide.

Joy from Pop on the Pop.

At 12:35 PST, Ms. Joy posted the following comment:

“How long do you think it’s gonna take Brit to divorce Federsperm?

He’s doing so bad, he’s really embarassing her.”

The divorce story broke at 1:31 PST that day.

Congrats, Joy!

Have you ever seen The Second Civil War? You haven’t? It’s a 1997 comedy about an immigration issue that spirals into a second U.S. Civil War. It’s funny — you should watch it. (You should get high first.) The point is, there’s a very important scene in this movie: two news anchors are reporting live on camera on the in-progress Civil War. The man says “And, in other news,” and then the woman turns to him and screams “You wanker! There is no other news!” It’s been a running joke among my friends and I since, well, 1997. But it’s ever so fitting, now, as the celeb gossip world begins to wade through the emotional hangover that inevitably follows any Britney Spears Divorce Day. What else could possibly be of any import? I hear murmurings of some political elections that happened yesterday, and it’s possible they even took place in the U.S., but who cares? Britney Spears filed for divorce.

Alas, I have a job to do, and all the other celebs are all alive and well and going about their non-Britney-Spears-divorce business, so here goes:

Anna Nicole sold the video of her C-section. Check out the (very graphic) trailer. [Defamer]

Kanye West didn’t mean to be such a jackass at the MTV Europe VMAs. He was just drunk. So it’s totally okay. [HGW]

Apparently Rosario Dawson and Jason Lewis have been dating for two years. Don’t waste too many brain cells on that, because they split up. [Pop on the Pop]

R&B star Mya suffers a panic attack and is taken to the hospital after eating a marijuana cookie. [CelebSlam]

Oh, right, that election. [CNN]

Yesterday was a great day to be a celebrity gossip blogger. Not such a great day to be Kevin Federline, but that’s someone else’s problem. As I’m sure you heard about on a gossip website, on a news website, on an Italian soccer website, from a coworker, from your waiter, in an AA meeting, from your 4-year-old child, on NPR, in line for the bathroom and/or from your pharmacist, Britney Spears filed for divorce from Kevin Federline yesterday. Let’s recap some of the highlights of our generation’s D-Day.

TMZ was quick to get ahold of the divorce petition, which demonstrated that Brit-Brit was not actually married on the day we all thought she was, September 18, 2004, but rather on October 6 of that year.

Kevin Federline (who Perez Hilton has brilliantly re-christened as FedEx) was filming an episode of MuchMusic’s Exposed when he got the news (via text-message) that Britney was divorcing him. Check out the video.

So does K-Fed get to coast on Britney’s fortune for the rest of his days? Nope. Brit had an air-tight pre-nup. FedEx gets basically nada.

What about the kids? Britney is asking for full custody. K-Fed may contest that, if only to cash in on the child support, but a quick analysis of the facts shows that things are looking good for Miz B on that front.

What did Britney do Tuesday evening, after the news of her divorce broke? She had dinner with friends in NYC, then went ice-skating with Larry Rudolph, her former manager. She was all smiles and looking fantastico!

And, of course, there’s the question of what finally pushed Brit over the edge. I’m sure more of this will trickle out over the coming weeks (yay!), but, for now, check out this account of their final blow-outs.

Only one thing remains to be said: WELCOME BACK, BRITNEY! We missed ya, girl