• Do you want to see more pictures of little Sean Preston Spears waving from the window of his mommy’s hospital room? Okay.
• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson accidentally schedule their Maui vacations for the same week. That is so weird.
• Tyra Banks blasts the ‘razzi, but not until after she’s tipped them off as to where she and Nicole Richie will be doing it.
• Remember how Howard K. Stern’s first statement about the death of Anna Nicole Smith’s son Daniel emphasized that drugs and alcohol were not involved? To the surprise of no one, that is looking less and less true; the more I hear about the situation, the more awful it sounds.

From Moby’s blog. I’ve noted the spelling errors. I post this mostly because I agree, and because it echoes almost eerily the sentiments I expressed when Brad and Angelina stuck their kid on the cover of People. I’ve corrected the spelling mostly because I don’t really like Moby, either, and because nothing’s funnier to me than a moral high ground expressed fearlessly and spelled incorrectly. So without further ado:

are you kidding me?
putting your fucking CHILD on the cover of vanity fair?
are they out of their minds?
using a child as a p.r prop???
argh. question: what is more important, your ability to shepherd a child through life and give it a healthy foundation for the hardships of existence, or usingit to get a vanity fair cover?
using children as p.r props does disgust me, i have to admit.
in the grand scheme of things fame pales in comparison to family and child-rearing.
i don’t know tom cruise and katie holmes, but i really cannot for a second fathom the mindset of parents who would sell pictures of their children and use their children to get better press coverage.
i’m sorry, i try not to be too judgemental judgmental, but it’s gross.
shouldn’t children have to be cogniscent cognizant of what’s actually going on before they’re being used by their parents to be on the cover of magazines?
not to sound too old fashioned, but if parenthood and infancy are not sacred in our culture, what is?
it just seems fucking grotesque to me, to use your newborn to get press coverage.
ugh.
moby

• Nicole Richie and Brody Jenner finally make out in public. Okay, so, now that this happened, can someone please explain to me who Brody Jenner is?
• This Page Six tidbit focuses on how Tom Hanks’ first wife basically made him out to be Satan in pre-divorce legal filings (Really? In divorce proceedings? She had negative things to say? I really hope someone thought to write a whole book about this. Someone did? Oh good.), but I’m more interested in the last paragraph, which implies that Tom jacked the Forrest Gump character from a role his brother Jim played in a soft porn flick two years earlier. In fact, Jim’s IMDB profile says that he was his brother’s “running double” in the film that won Hanks an Oscar. Eeeeenteresting.
• It turns out that whole “six degrees of separation” thing wasn’t really based “scientifically” or on “thorough analysis of research results.” See? I told you. You cannot go from Jonathan Taylor Thomas to Treat Williams in six steps. It just can’t be done.
• Remember when David Gest and Liza Minelli got married, and we all rejoiced, knowing that, no matter what, we were in for years and years of comedic gold? Man, were we ever right. This week, Gest wants their prenup set aside, because Liza is herpetic, alcoholic and abusive. Awesome.
• Dakota Fanning does her very best “Russian hostage chic” for Teen Vogue. Thank goodness the folks at Conde Nast devised a mechanism for getting the Vogue message to even younger women.

Update: Okay, okay. I knew it was just a matter of time before I got this email from one of you. Dave at Maassive would like me to know just how very wrong I am on the JTT->Treat Williams tip. He gets extra points for actually going through Kevin Bacon. Here you go:

Jonathon Taylor Thomas was in Tom & Huck with Brad Renfro
Brad Renfro was in Telling Lies in America with Kevin Bacon
Kevin Bacon was in Loverboy with Sandra Bullock
Sandra Bullock was in Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous with Treat Williams

Update Update:

You guys just won’t let this go. Okay. Super props to Anna for going through Devon Sawa.

Treat Williams in Hollywood Ending with Woody Allen
Woody Allen in Anything Else with Christina Ricci
Christina Ricci in Now and Then with Devon Sawa
Devon Sawa in Wild America with Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

I kid, I kid. As if anyone who reads this site is into women.

But we are all into the humiliation of other women, particularly those considered more beautiful, important and rich than ourselves. It’s Lindsay Lohan’s vagina, again, in all its hairless glory.

Is it possible she is doing this on purpose? This is the second time in 2 weeks. With all the shopping this girl does, by this point you’d think she’d have bought some underwear.

The uncensored version is after the jump.

(more…)

HELLO SEPTEMBER 12.

I love you.

• I think our nation’s club owners have figured out that turning away Paris Hilton is a surefire way to get their club’s name in all the papers. I’m totally okay with that, Rose Bar at Ian Schrager’s Gramercy Park Hotel.
• I don’t know at what point Tom Cruise stopped being hot, but it totally happened.
• Britney Spears got that baby out, a healthy baby boy born just before 2 am on September 12. After cutting the umbilical cord, the doctors pierced the baby’s ear and tattooed his upper arm.
• I don’t know if the bigger news is that Jude and Sienna are dating again, or that Us Weekly’s blog totally said “f-buddies.”
• Justin Timberlake’s avant-garde masterpiece, FutureSex/LoveSounds, drops today. You know you’ve really pushed the boundaries of contemporary soundscape when the whole album is available on MTV’s The Leak.
• Eva Longoria takes a pre-emptive strike against her imminent irrelevance; it’s not that she won’t have options after Desperate Housewives runs its threadbare course, it’s just that she doesn’t want to do any of them.

Because if I can’t blog about the retarded shit celebs did today, the terrorists have already won.

• David Spade and Heather Locklear are dunzo; her latest boy-toy is a Colorado realtor with a striking resemblance to Joe Simpson. But I adore her, so I’m setting down my bat and walking away from the soft ball.
• Sean “Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy” Combs has to ditch the “Diddy” in Britain after a music producer there sues him over the name.
• Dana Plato’s son files a wrongful death suit againt the Diff’rent Strokes star’s former fiance. Time to update that True Hollywood Story, E!
• Black Eyed Peas singer Stacy “Fergie” Ferguson reluctantly admits to being on meth and Kids Incorporated. I’m pretty sure I know which one is more damaging to her image.
  
• For those of you who were staying up nights wondering, Lindsay Lohan’s stolen-and-returned Birkin bag had nothing missing. Except, you know, probably the drugs.
  

Today has been a real downer of a news day, and here at Evil Beet, we’re gonna go to our happy place. Our happy place, of course, is wherever someone is making a total ass of Paris Hilton.

Right now, that place is Sir Richard Branson’s Oxfordshire estate in the UK, where he threw a fantastically expensive 21st birthday party for his son Sam. The theme was “Mad Hatter.” Don’t try too hard to understand why “Mad Hatter” is in any way an appropriate theme for a 21st birthday, just keep telling yourself they’re British.

The Bransons invited Paris Hilton, who wanted to come dressed as Alice in Wonderland, the pill-popping star of any Mad Hatter-themed party. When Branson found out, he secretly saw to it that all 60 waitresses at the party were also dressed as Alice, and when Paris arrived, he pretended to mistake her for a member of the wait staff and asked her for a drink.

Thank you, Paris, for providing a small bright spot in an otherwise gloomy day.

This has been an eat-my-hat sort of week for me. First, much to my chagrin, the oft-maligned-and-usually-by-me Brad Pitt did something awesome. Now, John Mayer, who I consistently find to be pedantic, cocky, self-centered, obnoxious and off-the-fucking-charts sexy and brilliant (grrr!) gives a pedantic, cocky, self-centered, obnoxious and off-the-fucking-charts sexy and brilliant interview to Rolling Stone (grrr!). Some highlights:

On Brangelina: “Everyone thinks Brad Pitt has it great because he married Angelina Jolie. I think he has it terrible, because when Angelina Jolie is giving you a blow job, what do you tip your head back and think of to help you finish? You have nothing left – just Jesus on a polar bear in the middle of the snow saying, ‘You greedy motherfucker, I’ve got nothing for you.’”

On being on tour: “I slept with, like, three girls a week.”

On his cock: “I’m not worried about how small my penis is – I’m worried about how dark it is. I have a Dominican penis. My penis hit six home runs last year; my penis wears shoes without socks.”

He also has some manner of album coming out. It will, most likely, be pedantic, cocky, self-centered, obnoxious and off-the-fucking-charts sexy and brilliant (grrr!).

Update: I forgot to mention that John Mayer had one little lapse of brilliance here; Brad Pitt is not married to Angelina Jolie. They are merely living in sin. They will get married when, and only when, you can marry your hot 13-year-old niece.