Cyril Wecht, the famous forensic pathologist (yeah, that’s right, I just said “famous forensic pathologist”) who performed Daniel Smith’s second autopsy said he could not determine the cause of death. According to the report, he was able to rule out heart disease, stroke, congenital illness and foul play. So he is absolutely, positively stumped.

OMFG, let’s call in Dr. House.

This is a great mystery for the ages.

Pssst — did you guys do a tox screen? Because when I did that semester abroad at this one really famous pathology school in Europe, they said, when all else fails, do that.

[source: AP]

• Lohan falls and fractures her left wrist at a Fashion Week party. She’s claiming that the host of the party, Milk Studios, wasn’t careful enough in preventing people from slipping, an egregious oversight they allowed by letting her drunk ass in.
• Pret-a-porter was a never a strong point at Fashion Week.
• Tara Reid gets a breast reduction, because, you know, that’s the problem.
• An uber-drunk Mark McGrath barges into the wrong Las Vegas hotel room, wonders where his hookers, music career went.
• Jordan Knight’s Wal-Mart record-signing extravaganza doesn’t have quite the turn-out he’d hoped for. Unless, you know, he’d hoped for a record-signing extravaganza with fewer than five attendees. In which case, rock on, dude.

It’s official: on September 12 of this year, Britney Spears birthed a 72-year-old British man.

Although we have not yet seen photos of the crotchety old wanker, his age and obvious pedigree can be inferred from the name the Federlines are rumored to have selected: Sutton Pierce.

S. Pierce (read: “Spears”) will share his initials and future therapy sessions with his brother, Sean Preston, born September 14 of last year. Britney gave birth to little Sutty via Cesarian section at Cedars-Sinai in LA on Tuesday.

• Ben Affleck has to keep taking bad scripts. For his daughter.
• Kevin Federline trudges forward with this album of his, getting as far as releasing the cover photo. The album is titled Playing with Fire, and the photo features a glass of Scotch on fire, a work of art executed with that trademark “angsty design student and an illegal copy of Photoshop” flair.
• Paris Hilton identifies fuck-buddy Travis Barker as “one of my dear friends.” But she’s still sleeping with him, of course, because she sleeps with everybody.
• Is Sarah Jessica Parker pregnant again?
• Winona Ryder poses nude to raise awareness for cancer, Winona Ryder.

For those of you who cynically expected the inaugural episode of Survivor: Racism to be fraught with racial stereotypes and shameless incendiary racist content, you were totally, completely, disturbingly right.

It started almost from minute one, with the contestants placing themselves firmly in their racial places. My guess is the Black team did not spend that entire day discussing their Blackness, nor did the Hispanic team spend the whole day discussing their Hispanicness, but man oh man, it sure was edited to look that way.

My favorite was Cao Boi (pronounced “Cowboy”), a Vietnamese nail salon owner who monologued about how he in no way fit an Asian stereotype, and later proceeded to perform some manner of voodoo when one of his teammates had a headache. He’s also wearing a Star of David around his neck, which may have some sort of meaning in Vietnamese culture, too, but every time I see it on him I’m like, “Jew?”

When the White team was cold at night, they cuddled and played footsie and pretty much spent the entire evening touching one another as much as possible. Team Hispanic spoke a little bit of Spanish, said “ay ay” here and there, and otherwise generally minded their own business.

The first part of their main challenge involved building a boat and rowing out to sea to light a torch. Wanna know which team took by far the longest to figure out how to build a boat? You guessed it. So the Black team lost the first challenge, and as a consolation prize, they were able to send one player from the opposing team to “Exile Island,” where that player had to remain, isolated, for two days.

In my discussion of their decision-making process, I’d like to go back to the start of the show, at which point the contestants were all on a ship, and were given two minutes to grab what they could from the ship and hop on rafts to go to the island. There were, I believe, two live chickens on the boat at that time. A member of the Black team grabbed one and a member of the White team grabbed the other. However, the member of the Black team looked away for a second, and a guy from the White team took his chicken.

The Black team sent him to Exile Island.

Because he took their chicken.

This is going to be so much fun.