This has nothing to do with celebrities or gossip, but it has a whole lot to do with funny, and FUNNY IS WHAT WE ARE ABOUT.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSGJKYuLkNk]

[via SorryIGotDrunk]

Fergie recently made the following statement about gossip bloggers to a gay NYC paper called Homo Xtra:

I just think, ‘Wow, I’ve worked so hard for this, but what are you doing other than sitting there behind your computers and talking shit about people?’ If people don’t like me, fine, but don’t dis people if you’re not getting off your ass and doing something about your own life.

That’s so true, dear. We can’t all share our vapid, inarticulate opinions with a newspaper. Some of have to do it online.

[via The Deli]

Apparently Joe Simpson didn’t get the memo that Dukes of Hazzard sucked. He’s planning to open a chain of restaurants called Daisy Dukes, to capitalize on that one movie that capitalized on his daughter’s tits and ass. I don’t understand how he has time for this sort of endeavor, between micromanaging his daughters’ careers and personally photographing their breasts just so, but where there is money to be made from his children’s sexuality, there you will find Joe Simpson.

The former reverend plans to launch the restauarant in Las Vegas in 2007. Look for Ride Me: The Jessica Simpson Amusement Park by early 2009.

• For the eight of you who are still watching the actual SNL rather than the newer, hipper, Sorkin’d-out Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, you’ll be sorry (or perhaps not) to hear that the annual bloodletting at the Lorne Michaels antiquity means the show will say goodbye to Chris Parnell, Horatio Sanz and Finesse Mitchell.
• In honor of what would have been Jerry Orbach’s 71st birthday, TNT will spend October paying tribute to the late actor by airing every Law & Order episode graced by his unique brand of utter awesomeness.
• American Idol’s Clay Aiken talks to Good Morning America about how he reluctantly decided to begin taking anti-depressants, because that discomfort and fear he feels in his own skin is, obviously, the result of a chemical imbalance, and not at all related to a huge part of his identity he plans to hide from everyone at any price.
• After an ear-whisperin’ evening at Chateau Marmont and Les Deux, Kate and Owen must be official now. Us Weekly is asking you to name them, so you know it’s for real.
• Whatever The View is paying Rosie O’Donnell, she should demand they double it. Today, Rosie keeps the whinefest on our radar by honing her gaydar on Oprah & Gayle King.
• Don’t feel too bad about your crazy-ass, shoe-assaultin’, cartoon-drawin’ pops, Lindsay Lohan — Jessica and Ashlee’s dad is a total headcase, too.

• Ew! When I reported earlier that House of Carter’s Aaron Carter got engaged to Playboy model Kari Ann Peniche, I was completely unaware that Peniche used to date Nick Carter, Aaron’s older brother. That is just so wrong.
• Tom Green (remember him? no?) shatters his tibia while skateboarding. He plans to air film of the surgery on his online talk show, Tom Green Live, which certainly won’t garner anywhere near the attention he received for his televised testicle surgery, or, you know, for his televised show.
• Where is the love? Justin Timberlake lashes out at the X17 cameramen, and, according to them, has since involved the police. Will someone please give that kid some more of the weed he’s cool enough to smoke now?
• Tara Reid’s new horror flick, Incubus, is not quite up to straight-to-video standards. Instead, they’re sending it straight to download. Tara’s not really aware of this news, because she’s still on lots of pain meds from her recent breast reduction. They’re going to break the news to her when she sobers up, like in a year or so.

On August 3, my ever-vigilant mother sent me a link to a website she thought I’d find amusing, DontDateHimGirl.com. I did find it amusing, so much so that I blogged about it, reluctantly repeating names of some of the poor chaps who’d been blasted on the site. I hadn’t thought much about that particular post until today, when I received this email, from one of the young men whose name and public blasting I’d re-printed in part:

Dear Evilbeet!

Please help. In your August 3, 2006 blog you discussed the website www.dontdatehimgirl.com and used my profile as an example. Although what you wrote was certainly sympathetic to me, and I appreciate what you said, unfortunately your website is now my highest Google link!! I had a girl that I really liked “google” me and she found that godforsaken website that I’m on and read about me. Needless to say, I haven’t seen her since! If there is ANY WAY for you to alter a previous blog and remove me from that entry so that girls that “google” me in the future are not directed to that other website I would be very thankful!

Here is the text about me from your website:

[name removed], of [location removed], sleeps with lots of girls at the same time, and “felt it was okay to Jerk off in front of me on our 1st and 2nd date.” I doubt this guy was concerned much with your potential reaction on the first date, sweetie, but I assure you he’d determined it was 100% okay when you showed up for the second date.

Here at the Evil Beet, we believe firmly that one oughtn’t hate the player, but rather, the game. We were totally understanding of his crisis and removed any identifying info. Play on, brother.

Redux Beverages in Las Vegas debuted its new beverage at NYC Fashion Week this week: “Cocaine.”

The beverage, targeted at party-goers (really? why?), is supposedly 3.5x stronger than Red Bull (its inventor, Jamey Kirby, says it is “350 percent stronger,” because, you know, that sounds like more), and — get this — has a secret ingredient to imitate the mouth- and throat-numbing properties of actual cocaine.

Their website looks pretty low-budg, which is fine, because you don’t really need a complicated marketing strategy when you’ve named your product after the hippest life-destroying addictive illegal drug on the market. You know everyone at Hansens is slapping their foreheads this week. “Fuck, dude, what were we thinking? Monster? Shit.”

I think we’re seeing a resurgence in the marketing-by-controversy approach, between this and Survivor: Racist. I hold Ann Coulter single-handedly responsible.

Check it out on AllieIsWired.