Ah ha ha ha ha!

I am so funny. Great title, Beet.

(I did not get much sleep last night.)

Oh sorry you guys don’t even know why it’s so funny yet.

Or unfunny. Okay then.

So Lou Diamond Phillips was charged with domestic battery today following his August 11 arrest for kicking his girlfriend’s ass. Or allegedly doing that. Not sure. I’m too tired to read the legalese.

It’s okay, dude. If I were in Hollywood Homicide, I’d be angry, too.

[Via TechCrunch]

WSJ reports that “people familiar with the matter” are saying that Facebook has been in acquisition discussions with Yahoo, Microsoft and Viacom over the last year, but Yahoo is looking like the front runner, with a price tag of $1B. That’s B like billion.

This is Web 2.0, baby, alive and kicking.

I remember a couple years ago reading an article about how Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook’s then-20-year-old founder, had been offered $100M for the site and wasn’t interested. He’d said something along the lines of “I’m just having too much fun with it.” I’d thought him a total moron. Who the hell walks away from $100M because they’re having too much fun? Have fun on your 18 yachts for the rest of your life, retard.

I’m done dispensing free business advice now.

Here are some amusing items from the article:

During one series of talks with Microsoft, Facebook executives told their Microsoft peers they couldn’t do an 8 a.m. conference call because the company’s 22-year-old founder and chief executive, Harvard dropout Mark Zuckerberg, wouldn’t be awake, says a person familiar with the talks. Microsoft executives were incredulous.

And another:

At one point in the Yahoo negotiations, the talks extended into the weekend, says a person familiar with the matter. Mr. Zuckerberg, this account continues, said he couldn’t take part because his girlfriend was in town. Others pointed out they were closing in on a billion-dollar deal. Mr. Zuckerberg said it didn’t matter: his cellphone would be off, this person says.

I’ll tell you, man, if the job of Mark Zuckerberg’s girlfriend becomes available in the near future, count me in.

And since I’ve now cruelly subjected you to more than 3 or 4 words about technology and business, here’s a palate cleanser:

Paris Hilton can’t remember how she knew who broke into Joe Francis’s house and forced the Girls Gone Wild producer to sodomize himself. It was two years ago. She’s “not like that smart.”

Also:

Nirvana’s Nevermind came out fifteen years ago. Yeah. You’re that old.

• People in this country seem to think it would be a good thing if Lindsay Lohan moved to London. Such thinking belies a tacit ignorance of the economic underpinnings of our nation. A drastic shift in the supply/demand curve of the blow industry impacts all of us.
• Cameron Diaz filed a police report accusing a photog of assault with a deadly weapon.
• Angelina and Brad continue their tireless quest to buy our forgiveness, donating $1M each to the Global Action for Children and Doctors Without Borders. It’s really pathetic, you know, behaving as though a vast improvement in quality of life for thousands of third-world children in any way makes up for the broken heart of one first-world Jennifer Aniston. You two sicken me.
• Someone went Wild On…Brooke Burke. Check out pics of her preggers. And, for the record, I tried very hard to think of something more current to pun on than an E! series she wrapped four years ago, but that’s really all there is for her.
• No, silly, Chris Klein did not impregnant Katie Holmes. An alien did.

This has nothing to do with celebrities or gossip, but it has a whole lot to do with funny, and FUNNY IS WHAT WE ARE ABOUT.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSGJKYuLkNk]

[via SorryIGotDrunk]

Fergie recently made the following statement about gossip bloggers to a gay NYC paper called Homo Xtra:

I just think, ‘Wow, I’ve worked so hard for this, but what are you doing other than sitting there behind your computers and talking shit about people?’ If people don’t like me, fine, but don’t dis people if you’re not getting off your ass and doing something about your own life.

That’s so true, dear. We can’t all share our vapid, inarticulate opinions with a newspaper. Some of have to do it online.

[via The Deli]

Apparently Joe Simpson didn’t get the memo that Dukes of Hazzard sucked. He’s planning to open a chain of restaurants called Daisy Dukes, to capitalize on that one movie that capitalized on his daughter’s tits and ass. I don’t understand how he has time for this sort of endeavor, between micromanaging his daughters’ careers and personally photographing their breasts just so, but where there is money to be made from his children’s sexuality, there you will find Joe Simpson.

The former reverend plans to launch the restauarant in Las Vegas in 2007. Look for Ride Me: The Jessica Simpson Amusement Park by early 2009.