• Hey boys! Just when you thought masturbating to thoughts of Miss Cleo couldn’t get any better — turns out she’s a lezzie!
• Aaron Carter breaks off his week-long engagement to Kari Ann Peniche, because he’s now met the requisite media usage quota of “House of Carters” as detailed in his contract with E!, and because, you know, she used to fuck his brother.
• KFed’s not even going to include “PoPoZao” on his debut album, Playing with Fire; it’s being replaced by a duet between him and his wife, Britney Spears. So, by its late October release date, we should all be ready to welcome Britney Spears’ Playing with Fire, featuring Kevin Federline.
• Are Paris & Nicole combining their evil powers once again?
• How many people does it take to wax Scarlett Johansson’s vag? A whole “waxing crew,” apparently. [via Junkiness]
• Triumph the Insult Comic Dog bangs fellow puppet Ernie of Sesame Street. The folks at Childrens’ Workshop are all like “even our audience knows that stupid dog is played out.”
• Jackass Number Two makes number one at the box office. This, folks, is why the terrorists hate us.

Nicole Richie has been spotted all over town lately with her new man, longtime friend and Prince of Malibu Brody Jenner. But it was not so long ago that the super-skinny starlet was engaged to DJ AM. Is Nicole really over AM? Well, we can’t know for sure, since she didn’t wear a t-shirt making any formal statement to the press, but we can look at the evidence and draw our own conclusions.

AM has been spending a lot of time lately with 22-year-old model Lauren Hastings, who has not yet thought to make her mySpace profile private. The song playing on it currently? A DJ AM mix highlighting the fact — one which friends can attest I have been harping on for years — that the Chili Peppers’ “Dani California” is essentially an uncredited remake of Tom Petty’s “Last Dance with Mary Jane.” Because it is. So that’s cool.

But anyway. AM is placed third on her friends list. She lists her status as single, but she also lists her hometown as Tijuana and her occupation as “unicorn fluffer.” So make of it what you will.

Here’s the dirt:

Nicole was recently celebrating her 25th birthday at Teen Vogue’s Young Hollywood party (um…don’t you age out of “young Hollywood” by 21 or so?) when Lauren showed up. At that point, Nicole suddenly asked security to “clear her area,” and Lauren was not allowed in.

What’s sad to me is that this whole mess could have been prevented with a simple “You Can’t Have Him” baby tee.

You know those awkward days after a break-up, where you still have to see the guy every now and then to work out the details? Who’s keeping the dog? Where are my bikinis? You owe me $30 for that time I paid for the cab. Won’t you please reconsider? Please?

In the new media, EdTV life of Lindsay Lohan, these moments are captured on tape and broadcast to an international audience via the web.

Play along, won’t you?

TMZ has tape of Lindsay showing up at Harry’s West Hollywood office yesterday, a day after she got dumped by Morton at the Chateau Marmont.

We’d like to take a moment to thank our sponsors. This particular summer in Lindsay Lohan’s life has been made possible by the following:

• Pink Taco restaurants
• Rehab energy drink
• Chateau Marmont
• Hyde Lounge
• The island of Maui
• BlackBerry by RIM
• Cocaine

I love it when there’s a ton of cool stuff breaking on a Friday afternoon.

• Grey’s Anatomy kicks some CSI ass, while ANTM stays fierce on the CW.
• Die Hard 4: Live Free or Die Hard (uuuuugh) rounds out its cast with Justin Long and Maggie Q. The fourth installment of the Bruce Willis-as-Jack-Bauer series begins shooting in Baltimore this weekend.
• Is $1B a reasonable valuation for Facebook? Time Warner CEO Dick Parsons thinks not.
• Holy fucking shit. PerezHilton.com had 2 million unique visitors yesterday. This blog thing may take off after all.
• Nicky Hilton’s beau Kevin Connolly punches Brandon Davis in the face — twice! — at a party at Paris Hilton’s house. Why? Who cares? Way to go, E!
• Making an appearance at the same party was La Lohan, who I hear got her ass dumped by Harry Morton after dinner last night at Chateau Marmont. I’ve heard from several sources that she and Paris were playing nice at the party, with Paris even trying to convince Linds that the many reports of her talking shit about the broken-wristed starlet were false. My guess? Lindsay’d been trying to keep her nose clean (literally) to maintain a relationship with Harry Morton, who’s well known to be sober, but when that fell apart she went crawling back to her old cokey pals, Paris & Co, within hours.

• Katie Holmes may play the role of Victoria Beckham in an upcoming biopic about Posh’s hubby, U.K. soccer star David Beckham.
• A publicity-starved Steve-O urinates on the red carpet at the premiere of Jackass 2. Fair warning: if you click that link, you are going to see his penis.
• Steve-O’s penis is lovely treat, but I know what you all really crave is a peek at Rosie O’Donnell’s tits. Well, then, you should watch Nip/Tuck on October 3. Or, you know, avoid Nip/Tuck at all costs for the entire month of October, just in case.
• Britney’s “manny” leaves her for Jude Law. Maybe he’s planning to reunite with Sienna Miller for the fifty-eighth time. She was not such a big fan of the old nanny.
• Keith Richards showed up to film his part as Johnny Depp’s father in the third installment of the other national mint, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Rolling Stones rocker was almost too drunk to get through the scene. Where is Courtney Love when you need her?
• If you own an energy drink called Rehab, and you would like people to take pictures of your product and write about it on the Internet, you do whatever it takes to get that can into the sweaty, shaky hands of Lindsay Lohan. But how to do that? It just seems to good to be true. It took me awhile to find much information on the product, since any google search for “lohan rehab” or “rehab beverages” provides a million hits I can’t use, but I finally tracked down their website. They’re a Las Vegas company, and it looks like they’re partnered with Pink Taco, a chain of Mexican restaurants owned by Harry Morton, Lohan’s boyfriend. Mystery solved.

Ah, blog backlash. As a mounting wave of celebrity vitriol prepares to crash upon the shores of the next generation of opinion makers — those who don’t have to run their words past an editor — a once-hot Jared Leto has grabbed his eyeliner and is writing mean things about us on bathroom mirrors. Says Leto:

I think that blogs should die a sudden death. It’s just ridiculous. It’s like a playground for four-year-olds. People say and do things in the world of blogs that they would never do in real life, and I think it’s a false experience…The blog is yesterday’s parachute pants. It’s here now but it’s gone tomorrow.

Here now but gone tomorrow? Maybe. But, with any luck, after a 10-year period of utter irrelevance and occasional Lohan-porking, blogs will start an unoriginal band and make an appearance on the VMAs looking like they just wrote a poem in Algebra class. We can hope, right?

[via BestWeekEver]