Just another sickening battle in the war on privacy we call fame. Some enterprising young stalker has apparently captured a Lohan grocery receipt. How do we know it’s a Lohan grocery receipt? Her name’s not on it anywhere. Okay, her name is on the bottom, but it’s not like that proves anything. I could get a Ralphs card as Lindsay Lohan, too. The list includes:

• Chaser (a popular hangover “cure”)
• 2 bottles of Nyquil
• 1 box Claritin tablets
• 1 box of Sudafed
• 1 box of Unisom
• Ginseng
• 2 boxes green tea supplement

and also:

• 4 frozen dinners
• 3 bottles of wine
• 2 bags of Doritos
• Miracle Whip
• grated Parmesan cheese
• Philly Cream Cheese
• 2 jugs of cranberry juice
• Honey Nut Cheerios
• 12 pack of Diet Coke
• 3 packs of American Spirits
• Tums Smoothies
• 1 box of Magnum Trojans

So as best I can tell, your local meth lab threw a lovely Labor Day picnic.

I’m not yet convinced this receipt belongs to La Lohan. This could just as easily be a PR stunt by Trojan, AmSpirit or Chaser. I’m waiting for some proof.

• Barbara Walters, E.E. Cummings find Rosie O’Donnell’s blog pretentious, totally unnecessary.
• People reports that “Party of Five’s Jeremy London” got married this weekend. The last time Jeremy London filmed an episode of Party of Five, it was 1997, and you still had a crush on Scott Wolf.
• “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin died this weekend when he was stung by a stingray while filming in Australia. It must be sweeps week.
• Donald Trump: still a raging, misogynistic asshole.
• David Beckham confirms that his wife, Posh Spice, is pregnant again. Hey remember that one time she got trashed at that club in London and there were all those hilarious pictures of it on the Internet? Yeah, that was like 2 weeks ago.
• Nicole Richie’s body has nearly exhausted its “internal organs” supply of sustenance.
• Yeah, I know, you think it’s pretty heartless of me to be making jokes at the expense of Steve Irwin’s recent death and Nicole Richie’s imminent one. And you’re probably right. But you know what? There are more pics of Jessica Alba’s ass. You can’t stay mad at me forever.

The girl has brown eyes. She wears blue-tinted contacts.

On occasion, I do enjoy perusing the various celeb photo sites and looking at the great big huge versions of the ‘razzi photos, where you can see every last scar, concealed pimple, and odd tattoo, before they get shrunk and airbrushed for general use. It makes me feel better about myself. Okay?

So today I’m looking through VMA photos, trying to find more things wrong with Paris Hilton, because I do that with my Saturday sometimes when my TiVo’s not working, and I noticed something odd about her eyes. They’re brown. That blue coloring is obviously a contact. You can see the great big huge version of the photo above here (click on it to make it really, really big). She also missed two small hairs in her underarm.

For the love of God, will someone invite me to a party tonight or something?

Here’s that “Ring the Alarm” performance I was talking about. God bless YouTube.

It’s kind of hard to see for the first 45 seconds or so, then it clears up.