I checked my spam folder in my Yahoo mail today, and low and behold, Yahoo had been polite enough to shuffle its own outgoing spam directly into my incoming spam folder. So no human ever needs to see it! Now that’s progress.

You know what else is a kind of interesting graphic?

It’s a slow news day. The things you might care about, before the week ends:

• Lou Diamond Phillips arrested for some good old-fashioned wife-beating. People epithets him as “Law & Order: SVU actor.” It’s as if Stand and Deliver never even happened…so sad…
• Fuck. Yes. Screech — who the mainstream media begrudgingly continues to refer to as “Dustin Diamond” — says he fought with a woman who entered his Omaha hotel room to steal video games while he was touring with a — wait for it, just wait — adults-only comedy show. The woman denies the charges. The news here, of course, is that we are somehow still writing pieces about Dustin Diamond.
• La Lohan finally has a stalker. According to several different reports, the stalker has done the following things: sent Lindsay flowers at her place of occasional work, and sent letters asking to meet her, providing his full name and phone number. This is fucking creepy, you guys.
• Patrick Swayze tragically reminds us he exists, valiantly comes to the rescue of his good buddy Mel Gibson by forcing us all to note that if there’s anything more retarded than driving a car drunk, it is, undoubtedly, flying a Cessna drunk.
• Lark Voorhees got a parking ticket today.
• I mean, she didn’t, of course, but it would totally not be news if she did. So why are we still writing pieces about Dustin Diamond?

I haven’t really been in a writing mood today, which is why you’ve been treated to videos and nip-slip pics, but as a responsible journalist (cough cough hiss hiss), I respect that there are some things my readers should know before I sign off for the day:

1) Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes oblingingly struck the we’re-in-love pose for paparazzi yesterday, and people seem to think this is newsworthy, so, there ya go.

2) X17 thinks they’ve got a shot of Suri Cruise. That sad, longing figure in the window may or may not be Katie Holmes.

3) Gwyneth Paltrow is African. All male bloggers subsequently announce themselves painfully well-endowed. I can’t compete with that. Except for this: Right, Gwyneth, and I have two vaginas.

4) I keep hearing buzz about terrorist plots involving airplanes. Didn’t Nick Cage do a movie about that?

Oh, you didn’t? Speak up sooner next time…

You could be this girl.

Britain’s Telegraph had the good sense to contract the services of Anna Wintour’s daughter, Bee Shaffer, to write a brief column on the plight of today’s fashion intern. The whole article is a riot, containing insights like that “the actual process of acquiring an internship has become one of the most common forms of nepotism, with parents relentlessly calling in favours [sic] from friends (I must admit to abusing a few connections myself), while hard-working, intelligent and deserving students are frequently turned away so that some eminent person’s daughter can have the job.” Thanks, Bee.

So far, this is all data we could have acquired from the average Conde Nast wannabe at UC Boulder. Bee, can you puh-lease pull some of those Wintour-spawn strings and shed some light on a topic hidden from the rest of us mere mortals? Of course, she can, dear readers. Of course she can. Bee obligingly dishes:

Teen actress Mary-Kate Olsen worked for the photographer Annie Leibowitz…I happen to know one of Mary-Kate’s fellow interns and he informed me that she didn’t know what a negative was, and that when she attended a Sarah Jessica Parker shoot, she only stayed for an hour and all she did was sit and smoke Marlboro Reds. Apparently, she not only left the photo assistants dumbfounded, but also Ms Parker, who muttered: “What the hell is an Olsen twin doing here?”

So there you go, from the mouth of Bee Shaffer herself, the totally unnecessary bashing of Mary-Kate Olsen’s skills as a photography intern, with some Sarah Jessica Parker bewilderment tossed in, just in case it tasted a little bland before. This girl has a bright, bright future.

In the quiet, lapping wake of the notable non-success of RV, Robin Williams has “found himself drinking again,” after 20 years of sobriety, but is taking “proactive measures to deal with this for his own well-being and the well-being of his family,” his publicist said today.

I’m going to go easy on this, because, following Mel Gibson’s Jewgate, simply “finding oneself drinking again” seems like something minor overlooked, as in “I found myself substituting basil alone again, when the recipe clearly called for a full Italian spice mix.” This is much more respectable behavior than “I found myself zig-zagging down PCH at two in the morning, verbally annihilating the race group of people responsible for my employment, and calling someone ’sugar tits’ in earnest.”

Plus, Death to Smoochie was really, really funny.

I admire his choice to admit to his relapse, I congratulate him on successfully working a program for 20 solid years — as opposed to a certain raging Jew-hater who apparently spent most of 2001 hopping back and forth between bars and AA meetings — and I wish him the best of luck in his courageous journey back to health.

The Hills’ Lauren “L.C.” Conrad and her boyfriend, goofy-lookin’ Jason Wahler, had the good sense to end their relationship just as filming for the show had gone on hiatus, sending film crews scrambling to catch the drama they’d been waiting around to catch for the past six months. Production staff are depressed in part because their summer vacation ended practically before it started, but mostly that a 20-year-old FIDM student from Laguna Beach has the power to do that to them simply by dumping her boyfriend.