• If you liked Mean Girls, you’ll love Heathers 2.
• When William H. Macy goes on the record with how much you suck, Lindsay Lohan, you must totally suck.
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have been lurking around the Yahoo/HBO complex in Santa Monica. They must have found a sitter for their little Suri. And by “sitter” I of course mean “fake sitter,” and by “Suri” I of course mean “PR stunt.”
• Since he can’t marry Kate Moss just yet, Pete Doherty is passing the time by sneaking cocaine to teenagers in rehab.

Let’s start from the beginning: hottie Jesse McCartney is dating Katie Cassidy. Who is Katie Cassidy? For starters, she’s David Cassidy’s daughter, although I remember watching an MTV special about her fledgling singing career several years ago, and she had basically no relationship with her father other than him calling bi-monthly to urge her not to pursue a singing career. When the singing career eventually failed to pursue her, she must have gone into acting, as I hear she beat out the likes of Kristin Cavalleri and Jessica Simpson for the role of Lucy Ewing in the upcoming film adaptation of Dallas alongside John Travolta.

Jennifer Lopez was originally cast as Sue Ellen in the film, but she dropped out suddenly several weeks ago. The rumors I heard explaining this were mostly a variation on “[ Jennifer Lopez / John Travolta ] didn’t want to work with [ Jennifer Lopez / John Travolta ] because [ she / he ] is too [ divaesque / washed up and pathetic ]” with the occasional “Dude the script just sucked” tossed in for good measure.

Enter Jesse McCartney. In an otherwise mundane interview with Atlanta’s Star 94, McCartney was asked if girlfriend Cassidy could give them the scoop on why Jennifer Lopez was fired from the project.

“She didn’t get fired,” McCartney responded. “She’s pregnant.”

Oops.

• Zach Braff thinks this season of Scrubs will be his last. Hey, you know who could step in as Donald Faison’s replacement love interest? Cacee Cobb! [for those of you spelling-challenged googlers out there: fason, casey, cob, kasey, KC, casee, fison, feson, faizon]
• Nicole Richie walks into a bar. Stop the well-endowed singer of the Spores if you’ve heard this one before…
• Need to kick-start a buzz for the eight billionth season of your tiresome island-based reality show? Try racism!
• Tom Cruise officially too stupid for the studio that greenlit Nacho Libre.

Also, as of this morning, Pluto is no longer a planet. A bunch of scientists who are way smarter than you are took a week off from pursuing passing fancies like curing cancer to bicker red-facedly in Prague over this matter. From Yahoo news:

Although astronomers applauded after the vote, Jocelyn Bell Burnell — a specialist in neutron stars from Northern Ireland who oversaw the proceedings — urged those who might be “quite disappointed” to look on the bright side. “It could be argued that we are creating an umbrella called ‘planet’ under which the dwarf planets exist,” she said, drawing laughter by waving a stuffed Pluto of Walt Disney fame beneath a real umbrella.

AHHHH HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Ha ha ha ha!!! HA Ha. Ha. Haa!!

Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha!

Heeeeeeeee!

Ahhhh.

Hang on let me catch my breath.

My God Heidi Klum is hot.

It is truly a mystery to me, but you show up here in droves each day via search terms like “cacee & donald” or “cacee cobb and donald faison,” and lord only knows how many of you would end up here if you spelled their names correctly. I guess I’m further out of touch than I’d believed; why anyone cares about these two individually or together eludes me.

But anyway.

E! Online’s Lara Morgenson says they showed up hand-in-hand at Justin Timberlake’s HOB show last week.

So there you go. Cacee Cobb and Donald Faison are totally doing it. How’s that for knowing your audience?

Boo-yah.

Notable Amazon.com album rankings from today:

1. Christina Aguilera, Back to Basics [I LOVE YOU XTINA!]
2. Danity Kane, Danity Kane [Yup, that's Diddy's all-girl group from yet another interminable cycle of Making the Band. Today, as the title says, we are putting things in perpective.]
…
7. Dixie Chicks, Taking the Long Way [Didn't that one lead singer chick say something mean about Texas? Or the Pope? It was something like that.]
…
10. Clay Aiken, A Thousand Different Ways [insert multiple-penetration joke here]
…
12. Justin Timberlake, FutureSex/LoveSounds [tell us again about those talentless AmIdol hacks, JT, and do it without using any spaces!]
…
24. Kidz Bop, Vol. 10
…
28. High School Musical [Amazon has Ashley Tisdale listed as the artist, but I refuse to condone that here.]
…
32. Cheetah Girls 2 Original Soundtrack [even better than the first Cheetah Girls soundtrack!]

and at #33:
Paris Hilton, Paris.

To her credit, she’s been climbing this chart all day, but when your album’s stalling out three times as far down as Clay Aiken on pre-order, something didn’t go exactly to plan.

If it makes you feel any better, Paris, Jessica Simpson’s A Public Affair promises to remain comparatively private, hanging out at the #75 position this afternoon.

There’s been plenty of gossip this summer regarding the apparent love triangle between Jake Gyllenhaal, Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong. The three have been photographed together almost as frequently as they’ve been photographed shirtless these past few months. With that Sheryl “The Beard” Crow out of the way, we all just assumed the man-love was running rampant. Now it appears there may be a less debaucherous explanation for their behavior: both Gyllenhaal and McConaughey were up for the role of Lance Armstrong in his upcoming biopic. Gyllenhaal won out, so brace yourself for Brokeback Mountain, but this time with more Spandex.