Archive for August, 2006
Kristin Cavalleri Has a Sassy T-Shirt…
Wednesday, August 30th, 2006
…and it is news. Last month, Cavalleri ended her romance with Prince of Malibu Brody Jenner, and since then, Jenner’s been photographed almost daily with Eating Disorder of Malibu Nicole Richie. Cavalleri saves face by courting the photogs in a shirt that says YOU CAN HAVE HIM, which she undoubtedly purchased at Kitson along with her TEAM JOLIE shirt (oh, you would be Team Jolie, wouldn’t you, Kristin? I know you.) According to Us Weekly’s source, Kristin “has had that shirt forever and finally had a reason to wear it.â€
Hey Kristin: I have this shirt that says “Asexuality: It’s Not Just for Amoebas Anymore.” If I give you $50, will you put it on and go have lunch at The Ivy?
Matt Leinart to Reproduce
Wednesday, August 30th, 2006
As many of you may know, Leinart has been linked romantically to songstress Paris Hilton. So I suppose the good news here is that Leinart saved his irresponsible sperm donation for some chick we don’t care about, and we will not have to deal with the media frenzy that would surely surround a Paris Hilton pregnancy, culminating in the national discussion on whether or not it is appropriate for her to take a child to Hyde in an oversized Fendi bag.
(I hope you people didn’t think I was being serious about the “songstress” part.)
I wish them the best; I’m sure the whole Leinart family will find as much joy in the Arizona Cardinal’s Pink Taco Stadium as Matt once found in Paris’s.
Picking Up the Pieces: The Curves of Paris Hilton Edition
Tuesday, August 29th, 2006- Kendra Wilkinson, Hugh Hefner’s adorable and beautiful girlfriend (no joke! I love her! I love all of them!), was super psyched to appear in her first rap video (okay that’s where my connection with her begins to fade), but her day was ruined when Eminem poured a bottle of water all over her. I have a feeling there’s a lot more to this story, but Kendra is so much fun to watch on Girls Next Door, and she seems like a genuine, sweet person, so I’m just going to link you to the email she sent to MediaTakeOut and let you draw your own conclusions.
- Paris Hilton’s rookie album sells a mere 75,000 copies in its first week, and projections put it at 30,000 for next week. I’ve made a chart:

Are you familiar with the term “asymptote,” Paris? I wrote some code to calculate when, at this rate, your album would go platinum, and it slowed down processing on my computer for a solid five minutes before I stopped it. For comparison, Mrs. Jordan Bratman’s album debuted this week and sold 320,000 copies. Industry-speak for this sort of thing is “flop.” Nicole Richie plans to celebrate by eating the other half of that apple slice.
- John Mayer and Jessica Simpson? I’m concerned; I always end up rolling my eyes whenever I hear either of them speak. This could make me really dizzy.
- How cute are Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy? Sooooo cute.
You Asked for It: The Guys from Laguna Beach May Occasionally Hit Things Other Than Kristin Cavalleri’s Vagina Edition
Tuesday, August 29th, 2006Every day I get such a kick at looking at the search terms that guide you people to this site. I always feel a little bad when you end up here searching for something I don’t offer. So in an attempt to remedy this (and because I think it’s funny), I am going to start a semi-regular segment in which I address these search terms and attempt to provide the appropriate content. So here are some of my recent favorites:
stephen colletti shirtless


Judging from these samples, it’s not a real shocker that the Internet doesn’t abound with such monstrosities. A distended belly and what looks like the beginnings of eczema. You sure were lucky to score that shit, Kristin. You’re so pretty. Search tip: using quotation marks in Google — “stephen colletti shirtless” — produces better results.
Lark Voorhees pics
More than one of you has shown up here using these terms. I am sad for you. But I couldn’t figure out why you didn’t just click the images tab in Google, until I tried to do it myself. Here’s a hint for all of us: spell it “Voorhies,” because, you know, it turns out that’s how she does.
Stephen Colletti bong
Here’s a beer bong, it’s the best I can do. I can, however, pretty much assure you that Stephen Colletti smokes weed. Is that what you wanted to hear? Is it? Okay then.

Jason Wahler break up cocaine
You’re awfully specific, aren’t you? I’ve actually had quite a number of you show up here via some combination of “Jason Wahler” and “cocaine.” Well, Jason Wahler did break up with Lauren Conrad (or was it the other way around? Hm. I guess we’ll find out next season.) Does Jason Wahler do cocaine? Hm. Now I don’t want to go around all allege-y and whatnot, but if you all typed it into Google, perhaps you know something that I won’t print.
“white wife”
I hear they have them in Russia, dude.
Oh Good, There Was an Emmy Nip-Slip
Monday, August 28th, 2006Mindy Kaling from The Office, we thank you. We promise to learn how to pronounce your name. Later, though. [Best Week Ever]
Monday Morning Holler Back
Monday, August 28th, 2006- Ashton Kutcher is developing a candid-camera-style reality series for NBC based on the film The Wedding Crashers.
- Matt Stone has it on good authority that Saddam Hussein is being forced to watch South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut in prison. Hussein banned the movie in his own country in 1999 because it depicts him as the gay lover of Satan. Fussy, fussy.
- Maybe you should just stay at home and drink alone, Tara.







