…and it is news. Last month, Cavalleri ended her romance with Prince of Malibu Brody Jenner, and since then, Jenner’s been photographed almost daily with Eating Disorder of Malibu Nicole Richie. Cavalleri saves face by courting the photogs in a shirt that says YOU CAN HAVE HIM, which she undoubtedly purchased at Kitson along with her TEAM JOLIE shirt (oh, you would be Team Jolie, wouldn’t you, Kristin? I know you.) According to Us Weekly’s source, Kristin “has had that shirt forever and finally had a reason to wear it.”

Hey Kristin: I have this shirt that says “Asexuality: It’s Not Just for Amoebas Anymore.” If I give you $50, will you put it on and go have lunch at The Ivy?

• Kendra Wilkinson, Hugh Hefner’s adorable and beautiful girlfriend (no joke! I love her! I love all of them!), was super psyched to appear in her first rap video (okay that’s where my connection with her begins to fade), but her day was ruined when Eminem poured a bottle of water all over her. I have a feeling there’s a lot more to this story, but Kendra is so much fun to watch on Girls Next Door, and she seems like a genuine, sweet person, so I’m just going to link you to the email she sent to MediaTakeOut and let you draw your own conclusions.
• Paris Hilton’s rookie album sells a mere 75,000 copies in its first week, and projections put it at 30,000 for next week. I’ve made a chart:

  

  Are you familiar with the term “asymptote,” Paris? I wrote some code to calculate when, at this rate, your album would go platinum, and it slowed down processing on my computer for a solid five minutes before I stopped it. For comparison, Mrs. Jordan Bratman’s album debuted this week and sold 320,000 copies. Industry-speak for this sort of thing is “flop.” Nicole Richie plans to celebrate by eating the other half of that apple slice.

• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson? I’m concerned; I always end up rolling my eyes whenever I hear either of them speak. This could make me really dizzy.
• How cute are Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy? Sooooo cute.

Every day I get such a kick at looking at the search terms that guide you people to this site. I always feel a little bad when you end up here searching for something I don’t offer. So in an attempt to remedy this (and because I think it’s funny), I am going to start a semi-regular segment in which I address these search terms and attempt to provide the appropriate content. So here are some of my recent favorites:

stephen colletti shirtless

Judging from these samples, it’s not a real shocker that the Internet doesn’t abound with such monstrosities. A distended belly and what looks like the beginnings of eczema. You sure were lucky to score that shit, Kristin. You’re so pretty. Search tip: using quotation marks in Google — “stephen colletti shirtless” — produces better results.

Lark Voorhees pics

More than one of you has shown up here using these terms. I am sad for you. But I couldn’t figure out why you didn’t just click the images tab in Google, until I tried to do it myself. Here’s a hint for all of us: spell it “Voorhies,” because, you know, it turns out that’s how she does.

Stephen Colletti bong

Here’s a beer bong, it’s the best I can do. I can, however, pretty much assure you that Stephen Colletti smokes weed. Is that what you wanted to hear? Is it? Okay then.

Jason Wahler break up cocaine

You’re awfully specific, aren’t you? I’ve actually had quite a number of you show up here via some combination of “Jason Wahler” and “cocaine.” Well, Jason Wahler did break up with Lauren Conrad (or was it the other way around? Hm. I guess we’ll find out next season.) Does Jason Wahler do cocaine? Hm. Now I don’t want to go around all allege-y and whatnot, but if you all typed it into Google, perhaps you know something that I won’t print.

“white wife”

I hear they have them in Russia, dude.

Mindy Kaling from The Office, we thank you. We promise to learn how to pronounce your name. Later, though. [Best Week Ever]

• Ashton Kutcher is developing a candid-camera-style reality series for NBC based on the film The Wedding Crashers.
• Matt Stone has it on good authority that Saddam Hussein is being forced to watch South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut in prison. Hussein banned the movie in his own country in 1999 because it depicts him as the gay lover of Satan. Fussy, fussy.
• Maybe you should just stay at home and drink alone, Tara.

• Bridget Grish doesn’t care if you look at her tits. Her mySpace page? That’s different.
• George Clooney is rumored to be dating Ellen Barkin. If you don’t know who Ellen Barkin is, you’re in good company. She’s in Oceans 13 right now, and she’s credited in films going back to 1978 (which is approximately when I’d guess her IMDB photo was taken), but she’s essentially a no-name, and an aging one at that (birth date on IMDB: April 16, 1954). Could it be that George Clooney wants to build a true, lasting relationship with an emotional peer? Hmm. Nah. It’s a really clever PR stunt, though. Way more subtle than inventing a baby.
• James Lipton from Inside the Actors Studio recites lyrics to “K-Fed Freestyle” on Conan O’Brian. Then he takes a beer bong. Poorly. Like pre-frosh from Minnesota poorly. Thanks to Tiffany at PopCultureWhore for the link.

In case the Emmy results you care about do not completely overlap with the Emmy results that I care about, the LA Times has the budget to put together the whole list.

I’m a pretty happy Beet about all this; I am thrilled that The Office won; I’m always happy to see Jon Stewart do well; it’s good to see Mariska Hargitay recognized for holding her own against Chris Meloni all these years (I’m sorry but Kathryn Erbe may as well have been a Maltese in Vincent D’Onofrio’s Louis Vuitton); and as long as we’re lauding women here, how fabulous that the Seinfeld Curse was not only broken but spit and menstruated upon by Julia Louis-Dreyfus after all the men tried and failed; and Megan Mullally ought to be voted President of our country, but I guess an Emmy is an okay start.

The only thing I’m mildly annoyed with is the Blythe Danner win. I would have liked to see that go to Chandra Wilson or Sandra Oh, but Chandra will have other chances, I’m sure, and I suppose Sandra can cry herself to sleep clutching her Golden Globe.

Most importantly, Joan Rivers conducted her 1000th red carpet interview (with Debra Messing). Unfortunately, it aired on the TV Guide channel. I love Joan Rivers, and I’m bummed she’s not on E! anymore. Mostly, though, I’ll always pine for that one year long, long ago when they let Kathy Griffin do the red carpet interviews. She asked the kids from Arrested Development if they had any weed. It was probably the highlight of my life, and I pray each night that someone will give her a second chance.